Today’s men are more open to things once considered feminine. You can now carry a shoulder bag (you know, the “man purse”) without getting stared at. Men can even pull off pink shirts that were once the sole property of women. No matter how far men have come, though, there are some things they just shouldn’t own. Ever.
Anything Hello Kitty-related
This is a hard and fast rule that you shouldn’t even break for a Halloween costume. No man should ever own anything that’s even remotely related to Hello Kitty. Even if it’s a Hello Kitty gun.
Honestly, it’s not even okay for adult women to own Hello Kitty merchandise, but they get away with it because they’re cute. No matter how you look at it, though, a cat with prominent whiskers doesn’t look cute on a man.
A Poster for Any Boy Band
If you like ‘N Sync, One Direction, or even NKOTB… well, it’s not really fine, but it’s your business. No one can tell you what kind of music to like.
But men cannot own boy band posters. If you do, then you’re the creepy one. Men and women alike think you’re weird. Parents keep their kids far from you. They have good reason. You look like a pedophile.
Porn Videos or Magazines
If you still have porn videos in your home, there’s only one question to ask: what are you thinking?
Men shouldn’t own porn tapes, DVDs, or magazines for two important reasons. One, they weird a lot of women out. Two, you have Internet access!
Now, if you’re in a relationship, you as a couple can own porn. But as a man on your own, you should never own porn. What is this, the ’90s?
(There’s only one exception: men in prison can own porno magazines. If you’re heading to prison, take a library of mags with you. You’ll need them.)
Much like porn, a couple can own a vibrator, but one man cannot. Why? Because it’s disgusting for you to own a sex toy that you will potentially use with different partners throughout your dating life. It doesn’t matter how many times you run it through the dishwasher. It’s gross.
Each new girlfriend deserves her own toy. If you’re single, you shouldn’t have one. If you really like to surprise one-night-stands, then at least buy a new one and keep it in its original packaging until you have a chance to use it.
Be a man. Go drink a beer. If you don’t drink alcohol, then you can either ingest the extra calories of regular soda or stick to water. Regardless, your fridge has no room for diet drinks unless you keep them there for the ladies.
A Banana Hammock
There are maybe ten men in the entire world who can pull off a tight, revealing swim suit. You are not one of those men.
Let’s lay it out really simple so you can understand why it’s a bad idea to own a banana hammock, even if you’re Italian (especially if you’re Italian!). Most men are hairy. It’s a hormonal thing that you’re not going to change without making some serious lifestyle alterations. It’s a fact of life that will impact your good looks forever.
Now, there are some women and men who find body hair attractive, but not when it’s bursting out of a tight swimsuit.
Oh, you think you can get around this by waxing? Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. The truth is that men look gross because they’re hairy, but they look weird when they don’t have any body hair. You can’t win this game, so put on a pair of trunks and get over it.
The Madonna Sex Book
Madonna was smoking hot when her coffee table book Sex came out in 1992. Still, no man should own it.
Look at it this way, Madonna has always been a pop star focusing on the needs and desires of youngsters. Once you grow up, it’s time to move on. You can enjoy her music nostalgically, but Sex was made to entice boys. If you own it, then you look like a boy instead of a man.
A Subscription to Cosmo
Men cannot subscribe to Cosmo. Leave that mag to the Sex and the City crowd.
In fact, you shouldn’t even own a single issue. That magazine is written for teenage girls. You are not a teenage girl. Ergo, you should not own Cosmopolitan. That logic is air-tight.