Sometimes, gamers get a bad rap The media tends to stereotype gamers as “undersexed.” Not true, not at all. In fact, gamers can actually be better lovers when it comes to sex. It’s true. Need proof? Look no further than these eight videogame sex positions that every gamer should know.
1. The Link to The Past – Like the “Zelda” title of the same name, this one’s a classic. The missionary position may be a bit ancient, but it’s popular even today for a reason. If you can master it, you become a legendary lothario capable of making a woman quiver. Much like “Legend of Zelda: A Link to The Past,” it’s fun to learn, but difficult to master.
2. Kratos Unchained – “God of War’s” Kratos is an angry, aggressive dude. Doubtless his lovemaking shows similar tendencies, so this position is named after him. Assuming the “doggy-style” position, grab your partner’s wrists and pull her arms behind her, much like Kratos pulls arms from his enemies. Once she’s at your mercy, make her scream.
3. Shoryuken – The “Street Fighter” series has been around forever, and so has Ryu’s “shoryuken” rising uppercut. Take a cure from him the next time you find yourself on the bottom of sex. Arch your pelvis skyward, and let your lady go to town. Bonus points for yelling “shoryuken” while you do!
4. The Madden Football Tackle & Sack – “Madden” games are ubiquitous nowadays. Even non-football fans get into them, and these gamers would do well to learn from the digital defenders therein. Chase your lady playfully around, and when you tackle her, be sure to tack on a little extra “yardage” for illegal motion by taking her over the back of your couch.
5. The Metal Gear Solid – Sex is as much about anticipation as it is action. Solid Snake is the master of covertly sneaking up on people. Sure, he snaps their necks, but that doesn’t mean you can’t apply a few of his tricks. Blindfold your girl, and let her try and find you. While she searches, silently surprise her and take her standing up.
6. Grand Theft Auto – GTAIII was famous for a number of things, not the least of which was its portrayal of vehicular sex. Making love in the car is a great change of scenery, and it takes some practice to get the most out of it. Go ahead and take a page from Liberty City’s playbook and test out the shock absorbers on your ride.
7. Mario Down the Pipe – The paisan plumber knows his way around a drain. And given the, ahem, “downward thrust” of this position, it’s only appropriate that it be named in honor of videogame’s most enduring icon. Lay your woman down with her head and shoulders on the floor, but her back and hips resting up against the bed. Straddle, and proceed to slide down her pipe like the plumber you long to be.
8. The First Person Shooter – FPS games are staples of videogame culture. The nature of seeing the action from that primary perspective is exhilarating. So in that vein, this is less of a position, and more of an exercise in cinematography. Wield a camcorder during your sexcapades for a first-person “shooter” experience like no other!