We know you don’t have a lot of options when it comes to the ladies, so you take what you can get. Bully for you, Swordsman, but there are a few women out there that you absolutely need to stay away from. Not in a ‘don’t know where she’s been’ sort of way, but for other reasons altogether. Reasons that will destroy your life, make you a villain, and possibly homeless. If you have your peepers on one of the women listed here, run. Run like the wind.

Your Friend’s Ex

It’s a rule as old as…that song about your best friend’s girl. You may have secretly wanted her the whole time she and your friend were together. The two of you may have flirted shamelessly during the same period. But now that their relationship is kaput, your relationship cannot go to the next level. If you hooked up with your friend’s ex-girl, you’d lose him as a friend and the rest of the posse, too. You’ll be branded a traitor and a hit will be taken out on your miserable life — if your friend is wealthy and connected to assassins, that is.

Your Friend’s/Ex’s Mom

All those years of hanging at your friend or girlfriend’s house was 10% to be around them and 90% to eye their sweet, sweet mom. Sure, we’ve all got an older woman fantasy thing going on, but said mom cannot be someone who served you milk and cookies during the holidays. You’d be better served picking up a stranger’s mom in a bar and giving her a fake phone number when you’re finished. No strings attached and no explanation to the friend or ex about how you accidentally hooked up with their mom. And you are the better man for it.

Your Ex’s Sister

It’d be better to get with your ex’s mom instead of her sister. Seriously. People we know have tried the one sister to the other transition and the tension at the dinner table could not be thicker. The way they see it, you have traded in for a different model — a model you obviously had your eye on the entire time you were with the original sister. You will destroy the sisterhood and bring the hate of her parents on your head. If they are twins, you will not only be an asshole, but on your way to meet Satan. Close cousins can also fit in this category, but the sting is a lot less than hooking up with her sister.

Your Boss’ Daughter

One of the quickest ways to find yourself in the unemployment line is to hit up your boss’ daughter at the company picnic. You’d have a better chance keeping your job if you stumbled into work drunk off your ass and wearing a skunk on your head. It seems that almost every boss in the world has a hot daughter. And she likes to flaunt her hotness whenever she comes in the office to borrow some dough from Papa. Whatever you do, don’t fall prey to her charms. You’ll be used and abused for a couple of days and be out of a job to boot.

Your Boss

While stooping your hot boss may give you some temporary perks at work, it won’t last forever. Meaning, you will tire of her and break up with her or vise versa. Both scenarios end in you getting fired. The time in between can also be awkward. Imagine having to turn in your TPS reports to your boss, then being required to have sex with her. Sure, you’ll get to take extra long lunch breaks and get every day off requested, but when this thing ends, your life will be in the crapper. You’ll be jobless and the brunt of every joke in that office for the next year.

Your Doctor

Just because she’s handled your junk doesn’t mean she’s into you. She’s supposed to do that. Insurance companies pay her to handle lots of junk on a daily basis. However, if your doctor seems to be into continued handling of your package, avoid it. One, would you want to be with a woman who has been prejudging your goods before you get a sampling of hers? Second, if she ever dumps you, it’s a bitch finding another good doctor in your insurance plan.

Pregnant Chicks

If we have to explain this one to you, perhaps it’s time to move out of the trailer park. She’s likely either with a dude already or enjoys one night stands over-and-over-and-over. Hence, the mound in her belly. Plus, getting with that is kinda’ gross, right? Who cares if she can’t get pregnant again in the event your homemade condom breaks. The worst case scenario in this is if you are still around when the birth happens and suddenly become the dad of some other prick’s kid. We feel physically sick just thinking about it.


Um, Dude, their vow is to God. As in, they are married to God. If we have to spell out the dangers of messing around with a nun to you, then you are probably already beyond hope. You have a slight advantage in the resistance department with nuns because only about 5% of them are hot and they keep completely covered up, however, curiosity can get the best of you so be on your toes when in the midst of God’s ladies. We’ve heard talk about some nuns wanting to fly their freak flag. Be strong and don’t engage. Just our opinion, but you don’t want the wrath of God following you around day and night.