Okay, so your relationship has gone sour, or you just don’t feel like putting time into it anymore. It’s time to break it off. However, you simply don’t want to put the time and energy into meeting with your soon-to-be-ex. What do you do? You break up by text, of course!
Do you use a lot of text-speech? Instead of typing it all out, make the breakup quick and sweet. All you need to do is type ILY. If you’re soon-to-be-ex understands text-speech or has read any hilarious text articles online, they’ll know exactly what you mean. If they haven’t, you may need to explain that this means “I’m leaving you” (too many people think it means I love you). It might also be a good idea to follow this with an eye roll text, just to let them know how silly you think it is that they don’t know this simple acronym.
The Bait and Switch
Another great way to break up over text is to use the bait and switch. Now, this isn’t quite as heartless as when a salesperson does it. With the breakup bait and switch you tell your soon-to-be-ex that something terrible happened. When they start freaking out, you tell them you were just kidding. Then you let them know that in fact, you’re leaving them. If you’re lucky, they’ll be so relieved that the terrible tragedy didn’t happen that they’ll pass over the breakup. That way you’ll never have to worry about dealing with the stress.
Tell a Joke
You know how he/she really loves your sense of humor? Take it to the next level with a breakup joke. There are a lot of ways you can do this. From a simple knock-knock joke to something more elaborate, making your breakup into a joke will not only soften the blow, it’ll give you a great opportunity to try out some new material. One of the great ones circulating the internet is a knock knock joke:
Maybe your soon-to-be-ex will laugh; they’re sure to see the joke as representative of the relationship.
Pretend to Text the Wrong Person
If you’re in a committed relationship, one of the fastest ways out is to have an affair. So, even if you’re not having an affair, you can easily make it look like you are over text. Text your soon-to-be-ex something interesting. There are a variety of things you can text them, from a reference to the night before (if you weren’t with this person the night before of course) to a breakup. Immediately send another text saying something along the lines of “Oops! Wrong person!” From there, you’re set. The breakup will practically happen on its own.
Use Your Creativitiy
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours belongs to the zoo.
But don’t worry, I’ll be there too!
But not in the cage, but laughing at you.”
With this kind of creative genius, you know that you could get anyone. Consider coming up with an awesome breakup poem of your own for your soon-to-be-ex. There are a lot of things you could do with this. Talk about their faults, the arguments you’ve had through your relationship, or even the other people you’ve been seeing. Once you’ve sent the poem and completed the breakup, you can throw out your iPhone sim card, get a new one, and start all over with someone new.
Just be Blunt
You could just be blunt about the breakup. Instead of trying to be creative or tell a joke, just text the soon-to-be-ex that you’re breaking up with them. Of course, the reaction that you get is going to vary from person to person. You might get someone who completely ignores you, like the Internet sensation that goes a little like this:
“I think we need to break up…”
“Aww, your auto correct is messing up again:’)”
“No, I’m being serious…”
“… and it’s doing it again!”
“No! It’s over!!!”
“Babe, you need to get a new phone…”
So, with this, you might want to try one of the other options as well. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a reaction that’s more along the lines of “Yeah, ok, whatever” and that’s it. But let’s be honest; how many of us are really lucky when it comes to breakups?
Imitate Service Provider Messages
Consider this: you really, really don’t want to talk to your soon-to-be-ex again. Whether you’re just tired of them, or there was a big argument recently, you simply don’t want to deal with the drama. So, the next time they text you, instead of sending a reply, consider sending them a replica of a service provider message. Try something like “The *your service provider* subscriber you are trying to reach is no longer in service.” Another option would be “The *your service provider* subscriber you are trying to reach no longer receives texts.”
Take Something Small and Blow it Out of Proportion
Is there some small habit that your soon-to-be-ex has that really just rubs you the wrong way? Blow it completely out of proportion in a text. If they tell you that they’re doing what you hate, like watching a show you loathe, tell them that you think you should break up. When they start laughing, or say you’re being silly, tell them you’re not joking. Keep the blow up going as long and as crazy as possible. The crazier you get about it, the more likely they are to realize that you really want to break up.
Never Answer Again
Another option is to simply never answer another call or text from the soon-to-be ex. This, of course, is the most irritating option, unless you simply change your phone number. However, they may show up at your house or send out a search party for you. So, this is not the best option in most cases.
Breaking up over text; it’s happening more, and it’s getting funnier every time.