First things first: We had lofty aims for our meeting with supermodel and social media star Chrissy Teigen. We’d play it very straight and ask very serious questions about the pressing issues of the day. But when we met up with her at the recent Belgian National Day Celebration put on by Stella Artois, well, things unraveled quickly. Thanks mostly to her reaction to our hamburger wallet.

On the upside, we still covered a lot of ground, from Instagram tips and ideal grill meats to dressing up White Castle burgers and pairing beer with meals. Yeah, we talked a lot about food. Also, the ideal length for board shorts, even if you’re David Beckham. Read on for a generous serving of the funniest hot chick/hottest funny chick on the planet, plus some charming Insta-pics.

It’s all very serious, we swear…

“Ribeyes are so fatty and so delicious that it’s hard to go wrong with a ribeye. There’s also not a lot of women that would sit down and eat a ribeye. Me, I cut around the delicious meat to get those chewy, fatty parts.”

All right. We’re rolling now. So first off, how are you doing?
I’m good.

Busy day?
No, I flew in yesterday and made some lamb, made a meal for one. Woke up this morning, had everything cancelled so I’m very happy.

Oh really?  So you have a clear day. Sorry to interrupt…
Oh man. It was awesome.

I’ve got to take this out of my pocket.
Oh, is that… oh my God, I thought that was a fucking hamburger.

That’s my wallet.
Which… oh my God, this is so cool. Oh my God, I need this so badly.

You know, you can get this on Amazon for like 10 bucks.
This is ridiculous.

Just look up “hamburger wallet.” The only problem is it doesn’t really fit in the front pocket so I have to wear it in the back pocket.
Actually it does, if you pick the right trousers.

chrissy-teigen-burger

So between Twitter and Instagram you have developed quite a following, over a million followers. At first I was going to ask why you think that is, but… people love photos, right?
Yeah, people love photos. They’re very quick, you’re getting the caption with the photo, so it’s not like they just want to see the photo—they’re getting the best of both worlds.

What would you say is a more surprising piece of knowledge that you’ve acquired while building your following?
That things aren’t always going to be roses. I mean, not everybody is always going to take something you said the exact way that you expected them to. Not everyone is going to think your joke was funny. Not everyone is going to be not offended by what you said. So you have to understand that there are people that are just going to completely misinterpret things and you’re going to come off like a nutcase, and sometimes that just isn’t worth it.

So don’t worry about the haters because they’re…
I mean, it’s not don’t worry about them, it’s just don’t care about them? But also the fact that they merely exist is bad enough for me. Just because I’m hiding from them doesn’t mean they’re not there, which is equally upsetting.

And you do call them out occasionally too, right?
Yeah. I love calling them out because they’re ridiculous. I’m a big advocate of letting people know when they’re crazy, so for me, Twitter was really tough because there’s a lot of crazies. And you can’t let all of them know when they’re crazy. There’s just truly not enough time in the Twitter universe.

What kind of meat or other food can a guy throw on a grill to really impress you?
Oh, a ribeye. I mean, a ribeye is always fantastic to me, especially since ribeyes are so fatty and so delicious that it’s hard to go wrong with a ribeye. There’s also not a lot of women that would sit down and eat a ribeye. Me, I cut around the delicious meat to get those chewy, fatty parts.

Oh, yeah. The good stuff.
Oh, I love it. I think giant grilled shrimp are beautiful to do on a grill. I don’t even know if I could… I’m not turned on by someone that throws a filet on. I actually just dried up thinking about someone putting on a filet. It’s just so gross to me.

chrissy-teigen-concert

So I read this article where you said something about dressing up White Castle frozen burgers with fresh onions and cheese, which I thought was awesome because I’m a believer in doing things like that. I think it’s important to make it your own…
You have to. Even when my Asian mom does it, I mean, she will… oh, my beautiful, wonderful Asian mom, she’ll make…

Do you have other moms or just…
No, just my beautiful Asian mom. My white mom is weird. No, I love my mom. She will make those, you know, the Asian equivalent of Top Ramen is Mama noodles. Have you ever eaten Mama noodles?

I guess I’ve got to…
Oh, Mama. It’s M-a-m-a. They do Tom Yum noodles. They’re my favorite. I grew up on them. It’s pure MSG sodium. It’s madness. So anyway, my mom will make these for me when I come home drunk. Like John and I will come home, I’ll sit down, she’ll make these Mama noodles, but like slice up the most beautiful cilantro and green onions, and slice up meatballs, and she’ll totally load it up. So for me, loading up food that is shit for you is just like the ultimate thing on the planet. I put like five slices of cheddar cheese on frozen white castle burgers and will saute onions and put them on there, and it’s the best of both worlds. I mean, it’s heaven. It’s so good.

Is there anything else like that you do, like with a frozen food?
Even if I have to do like Lean Cuisines or something, which are in no way good for you, I’m constantly adding chili powder or whatever leftovers I have from the night before, or I’ll boil vegetables and mix it in there.

OK, cool.
Or I will make my own barbecue sauce for those chicken wings that are frozen. Like they have Whole Foods ones that are, they’re either barbecue or just hot wings. But if you make your own barbecue sauce with them, it feels so special. Same with a honey mustard.

So what do you put in the barbecue sauce?
Oh, God. The barbecue sauce, let’s see. It’s actually chipotle chilies, a can of chipotle chili, a couple tablespoons of Worcestershire, a spoon of hot mustard, half a cup of your own favorite barbecue sauce, a spoonful of brown sugar and some lime juice.

Perfect. Got you. All right, you’re here with Stella Artois, so with a nice beer, what do you like to eat?
For me when I think of beer I think of fried foods. And when I think of fried foods I think of fish and chips. I’ve never been a beer snob, but for me I just really love that taste with something salty, crispy, and delicious.

Got you. All right.
Onion rings. I mean, it’s got to be fried. Calamari, whatever. When I went to Belgium for Stella Artois, I got to enjoy mussels. I think I had maybe 350 mussels in the short time that I was there. And I never really understood it before. I never knew it was such a thing. Obviously muscles are fantastic, great, but it really does go nicely.

Good to know.
And the mayonnaise. They love dipping shit in mayonnaise. My God.

Oh, they love mayonnaise over there. They don’t fuck around.
They do not fuck around.

chrissy-teigen-bikini

So you’re obviously comfortable in swimwear. We’re still in beach season, so what do you prefer to see on a guy at the beach?
It’s funny. I went to high school in Huntington Beach, California, and I’ve decided that no matter how good-looking or sexy you are, or how great your body is, I don’t want to see you in a Speedo. I think all men should either go full or slightly shorter board shorts.

Nothing higher than like mid thigh…
No. Like David Beckham could show up in that and I’d still be like ugh, ugh.

Yeah…
But I’d be over it in like two seconds, ha ha.

Right. You’d find a way.
Ha ha, yeah, I’d get past it.

All right. Is there anything you’re dying to share with guys 20 to 35? What do they need to know?
Oh, my God. Let’s see. Oh, that’s so hard. Stop liking every girl on Tinder. I’ve been on Tinder as a girl and a boy for the past few months now. I’ve been having the time of my life. And as a boy it’s so much fun. As a girl, it’s the worst. Everybody likes your photos, as a girl.

There’s no discernment…
Like come on, have some standards. That’s it, just have some Tinder standards.