Holidays make it so easy to be cynical. Thanksgiving and Christmas inspire so much ambivalence because of awkward relatives, embarassing drunken moments, long lines at grocery stores and malls, stupid sweaters and a whole host of other modern annoyances.
This article won’t fall into that trap. Without getting hokey, Chickipedia aims to start your holidays off on a more blissful note. Now’s the time to be thankful for our blessings; for appreciating all of our triumphs; and for our wishes to be granted.
Tis the season for what you want most: hot chicks. Thanksgiving isn’t always associated with gorgeous girls, but in the spirit the celebration’s historical origins, we prepared a small feast for the eyes by highlighting some cuties from movies set in colonial times that deserve your appreciation.
Men around the world have been thankful for Winona’s rebellious and sexy presence up on the big screen since the late eighties and early nineties in movies like Heathers and Reality Bites. She also starred in a remake of the The Crucible, the famous Arthur Miller play about the paranoid witch trials 17th century Salem, Mass. Remember: this list is about giving thanks, so try to focus on Winona’s positives–amazing body, dry wit, and soulful brown eyes–instead of the dreariness of this colonial film. We can begrudge her a little bit of sardonic humor, as that is a big part of her rebellious allure.
Ms. Stowe played a hot, redcoat general’s daughter in The Last of the Mohicans. Some of you history buffs out there may be quick to point out that Mohicans was set during the French and Indian war, some hundred and thirty years after what many to consider to be the First Thanksgiving occurred, so the film isn’t really in theme with the rest of the article. But, you know what? She played an incredibly hot sophisticate who gets romanced by a rugged Mohican dude. That makes her a colonial cutie. Her curvy body and amazingly soft, sexy features trump your historical accuracy any day of the week. Case closed. We’re moving on.
Before she was married to the punk from "Punk’d," and while she was still shacked up with John McClane, Demi was sending sinful shockwaves through Puritan Boston as infamous adulterer Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter. Even though critics responded to the 1996 adaptation of Hawthorne’s magnum opus with general apathy, Moore does engage in a pretty scandalous and hot love scene with Gary Oldman (of all people) that is sure to put some starch in your tunic.
Yeah, I am not really sure what that means either. I do know, however, that Demi is still fantasically beautiful enough to inspire sinful thoughts to this day.
As exotic and hot as her name is unpronounceable, Qorianka (koh-ree-an-kuh) is the first really legitimate entry we have in regards to the First Thanksgiving Hottie contest. She plays Pocahontas in The New World opposite Colin Farrell as John Smith. Her soulful, quiet performance shows a sort of strength and mystery that is incredibly attractive, as the whole prospect of a new society and new people must have seemed. Ergo, Qorianka’s hotness is so powerful that it historically legitimizes the idea that there must have been hot Native American princesses at the first Thanksgiving. You don’t even need to watch the History channel to be sure of that.
It would be remiss to leave the actual Pocahontas off of this list. Again, some haters out there might point out that this Pocahontas isn’t necessarily "real" like the rest of the women on the list, but is she any less real than any other historical figure? She is a symbol for all of the beautiful women of another time that we will never be able to experience–she has an earthy sexiness that isn’t negated by the fact that she is technically in a kid’s movie. The animators had to give the older people in the audience something to appreciate it.
Besides, Belle and Ariel and the rest of the princesses get way too much coverage; stop passing over Pocahontas and paint with all the colors of the wind!
And, in the spirit of gorging ourselves to remind us of our own providence, here are a few other random hot chicks for your viewing pleasure. Happy Thanksgiving!