This is it, men: the holiday for which we wait eagerly all year, which not only enables women to unleash their more promiscuous alter-egos upon the world, but also encourages masked debauchery for all. As you feverishly attempt to piece together your last-minute costume, take a moment to peruse our Halloween hookup guide; it just might save you from making a grave, ass-preventing error in disguise judgment.
Appearances can be deceiving, especially on a night dedicated to appearance-related deception. While you can’t assume that the slutty nurses, maids and nuns are a sure thing, you also can’t discount the non-slutty cats and clowns. It’s always the quiet/clothed ones that surprise you.
Boobs are everywhere on Halloween. Resist the urge to go for the first pair you see. There will be more where that came from.
Candy is perfectly acceptable girl-bait on Halloween. Offer some in exchange for a trick (or a treat).
Drinks are going to be harder to come by at crowded bars this weekend, so go prepared with a healthy buzz and a full flask.
Escapism is one of the best things about Halloween, especially for the ladies, so dressing up as any type of heroic character (knight-in-shining armor, Hercules, whatever) will give you a scoring edge over all of the wads who dress as household objects or former presidents.
Flattery will get you everywhere on Halloween. Skimpy costumes are empowering, but they also tend to undermine women’s confidence levels. Make it clear that she’s the hottest thing you’ve seen all night, a sentiment that’s all the more meaningful considering the multitudes of hot girls walking the streets.
Gorging yourself on candy is not going to help your game. Avoid the sugar coma by sticking to booze (“nature’s candy”).
Hiding behind a mask is not going to help your game either, unless it’s a Zorro mask and you’ve figured out how to remove clothing with a few flicks of your saber.
Imaginary creature costumes aren’t going to help you in the hookup department. If you’re dressed like one of her stuffed animals, all she’ll want to do is cuddle with you.
Jealous boyfriends are everywhere on Halloween, and fights powered by sugar and liquor tend to end in trips to the emergency room. If the target you’ve identified is dressed as half of a whole, abort mission and move on to the girls dressed as generic, slutty versions of other things.
Keep your hands to yourself in crowds. Inexplicably, girls are extra sensitive about uninvited fondling when they’re dressed inappropriately; you don’t need to get slapped in the face any more than you’re already going to by playing grab-ass in the cross-walk.
Lose your friends in the crowd if you’re traveling with a bunch of other dudes. This weekend, Halloween is the only wingman you need.
Morbid costumes will enhance your appeal to Goth chicks. If you’ve ever wanted to go Goth, this weekend offers you the perfect excuse.
Nerds rule the Halloween scene because they spend so much time engaged in role-playing games (not the fun kind… the Warcraft kind). Take note. This is the one night of the year when their tactics can help you immensely in your quest for the booty.
Overlooked girls are much more desperate on Halloween, so if you’re striking out with the obvious choices, scan the room for the less-promiscuous-looking costumes and try your luck with one of them. See “A” above.
Pumpkin costumes hide the girl goods – whether good or otherwise – and should be treated with caution. Same goes for anything that only shows her off from the neck up or the knees down.
Quit while you’re ahead. If it’s past 3 AM, find the best of what’s left and get out of the bar. It’s all downhill from there.
Remove your costume only when absolutely necessary, especially if you’ve made yourself somehow far more attractive than you really are. Same goes for her. If she wants to keep the wig on… let her.
Scaring girls into going home with you is just as ineffective on Halloween as it is on the other 364 days of the year. If you find yourself acting like a kindergartener on the playground, check yourself in an effort not to wreck yourself. Just remember: the scary dude in the corner never gets ass unless he pays for it.
Tricks are one of the best things about Halloween, but if you’re trying to entice an attractive woman, don’t do anything that involves dumping punch on her head or spraying silly string at her face. It’s just a fact that girls don’t appreciate that.
Unzipping complicated costumes can be difficult. Avoid embarrassment by convincing whoever you go home with to put on a little striptease for you; it’s the cherry on the overconfident, underdressed sundae that is a woman’s experience of Halloween
Vampires are the hottest of the hot right now, especially for Twilight-obsessed females, so your hookup odds will be exponentially greater if you choose this as your costume (however cliché it might be). Plus, it gives you an excuse to go around biting peoples’ necks all night without looking like a perv.
Wigs make girls feel like they’re living someone else’s life for a night, which makes them much more open to things they wouldn’t otherwise be into (you). Use this as your guide when seeking out potential hookups.
Xtremely drunk women will probably be more likely to take you back to their place than go home with you in order to avoid doing the costumed walk-of-shame. Bring an extra t-shirt so you won’t end up being the shamed walker instead.
Yelling out the tagline of your costume over and over ad nauseum turns women off. We shouldn’t have to remind you, but don’t be annoying, even if you are dressed as something she said.
Zippers on your costume are also unnecessary road blocks to getting it on quickly and efficiently. Keep in mind that Halloween is the one day a year when it’s acceptable to go out in sweatpants and plan your costume accordingly.