If you want your lady’s top New Year’s resolution to be “become single again,” then the following gifts are perfect. These items not only say putting genuine thought into something involving her isn’t a priority, but also that you’ve got the depth of a rain puddle. In other words, buyer beware!

A Bottle of Booze
Even if it’s Veuve Clicquot Yellowboam Ostrich Limited, which retails for a staggering $1,599, it’s about as personal as a Macy’s gift card. Bottles of booze are for your boys, and the underlying message of “All your red lights turn green after some champagne, baby…” will hardly bring her joy.

Lingerie
Yeesh. Valentine’s Day is six weeks away, buddy. Keep it in your pants. Both your wallet and… it. The classiest of lingerie doesn’t change the fact that this is still, ultimately, a gift for you, and trashy lingerie will probably wind up right there: in the trash.

Keurig Coffee Machine
If hers is broken, this one fits snugly in the “thoughtful gift from nowhere” category. But as a gift over the holidays? Who is she, your Aunt Muriel? Again, you’re benefitting here also, as there will no doubt be mornings you’re shouting from the bedroom, “make me one too!”

Anything Associated With Cleaning
This one’s especially true for a wife. She may have spent the past six months extolling the virtues of some new vacuum or mop she sees on late-night TV, but that doesn’t mean she’s counting on jolly ol’ Saint Dick to bring one home for her. And for a girlfriend? You’re just asking to be cut loose.

A Gift Card
Will she use it? Eventually. especially if it’s to her favorite store; you’ll even score a half a point for getting that part right. But she’ll also know the exact amount of money that went into the gift, and also that you hadn’t a clue—or a care—about what to get her at said store.

Treadmill
Are you a crazy person? Hers may have conked out, or she may have always dreamed of owning one, but coming from the guy who theoretically enjoys looking at her current body? No way. At least have the decency to give her a gym membership so she can meet the guy who’ll eventually replace you.

Perfume
Crazy, right? Allow me to explain. Fact is, your lady is probably partial to one specific perfume, and you buying her more of it isn’t really the most ambitious of shopping sprees. Furthermore, if you were to go out on a limb and buy her a new one, you’re not only saying you don’t like the way she smells, but you’re also buying her something she is never going to spray onto the flesh you will never see again.

Sex Toy
Hey, Matt Lauer, what’re you thinking? I mean, hot damn, there’s a time and a place! Sure, this is a purchase you can make, but don’t tie it to any holiday, even Valentine’s Day. If you’d like to add it to a pile of (better, classier) gifts, then that might work, although it must be given in private. Deem a dildo a stocking stuffer and you’re stuffing nothing till Summer.

Money
You’re not her Uncle. Why even attempt to quantify your relationship by stuffing bills into a card, even if said card is actually pretty darn funny or even poignant and aptly captures what you two have going on? You’ll either come up woefully short or go so overboard she feels like a hooker. Plus, it’s completely devoid of thought. As for the gal who absolutely loves moolah as a gift? Run for the hills, buddy!

 

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