As free as America may be, we’re never too far from Big Brother’s watchful eye. Case in point: Our state governments can’t seem to help enacting downright bizarre drinking laws.

So, in honor of National Beer Day (which celebrates April 7th, 1933, the first time Americans could legally buy, sell and drink beer in 12 years), we spoke to Niki Ganong, food and drink writer, beer competition judge and author of The Field Guide to Drinking in America, about some of the looniest libation legislation across the good ol’ U.S. of A.

We highly doubt you will, but try not to break any of them the next time you imbibe…

You can’t get a vanity license plate if you’ve had a DUI in New Jersey. In other words, the moment you decide to drive drunk you give up your right to get a license plate indicating you’re probably the type to drive drunk.

10. In West Virginia, consumers can only purchase ten gallons of liquor at a time. Ten. Gallons? Say it ain’t so! So much for throwing that 500-person rager…

9. It’s illegal to be drunk in Utah, yet in Minnesota, public drunkenness isn’t a crime. Mormons aren’t exactly known for being the party type. Minnesotans, on the other hand…well, actually they didn’t have any reputation we knew of…’til now. See you in Minneapolis!

8. In Washington, D.C., consumers can’t buy any less than six mini bottles of wine or liquor at a time. Ahh, six or more mini-bottles, the perfect amount of alcohol for your teenage slumber party.

7. You can’t get a vanity license plate if you’ve had a DUI in New Jersey. In other words, the moment you decide to drive drunk you give up your right to get a license plate indicating you’re probably the type to drive drunk.

6. In South Carolina, you’re limited to the amount of thrills you can experience at once: if you’re already drunk you can’t get that sick tattoo or badass piercing. You also can’t bungee jump.

5. In Nevada it’s illegal to use a skate park or go to an amusement park while drunk. Damn, and we’d already planned out our next six months of intensive physical therapy and medical bills.

4. In Kansas, it’s illegal to wield a handgun while under the influence in public. Probably the weirdest part is that this isn’t the law everywhere.

3. You can get a drink almost anywhere in Louisiana, except for doughnut shops. Which leaves us with several thoughts.

  • What exactly happened at a doughnut shop on what we assume was one fateful night to make this law even the slightest bit necessary?
  • We weren’t aware that liquor and doughnuts went together in the first place. But now that you mention it, a whiskey neat might go down nicely with a French cruller.
  • What about beignet shops? Surely there’s a distinction in Cajun country.

2. In Arkansas, boxers must take a breathalyzer test before bouts. This law would probably be much more effective if they used it before the brawls that happen in actual bars.

1. In Alaska, you’re breaking the law if you feed a moose beer. Damn, where was this important piece of legislation when the Great Moose Streakfest of ’49 went down?