Anti-Valentines Gift Guide

Not everybody can have a super-sweet, lovey-dovey Valentine’s Day. Some of us are without a paramour, some are recently-broken-up, and some are in fractured relationships just waiting for a final push to shatter to dust. Some of us are in healthy relationships, too, but that seems pretty boring to write about.

SO, herein are listed a few options for that not-so-special somebody in your life that needs to be reminded of how great you are in comparison to them. If you’re planning on having a happy Valentines, that’s great, but if you’re not: Happy Anti-Valentines Day!

Venereal disease

Give your ex the gift that keeps on giving: Gonorrhea. Nothing says “I used to love you but now I wish you a great deal of embarrassment and personal discomfiture,” like sending an adorable, macro-sized version of the disease that one in three (slutty) girls has these days. You can give the recipient of your choice an acute case of the clap, the pox, Chlamydia, HPV or herpes. Happy Valentines! [Buy it]

Dead flowers

What better way to illustrated the shrivled, dried-up corpse of what was once an affection in full bloom than to send a bouqet of long-deceased flowers to your long-symbolically-deceased lover? We would argue there is none better. Head over to Dirty Rotten Flowers for a bouquet of dead flowers, a dozen decapitated roses (seriously), or a their ‘normal’ bouquet cleverly named “still alive” if you’re fighting to get back into her good graces. [Buy it]

*If it’s good enough for Guns n’ Roses, it’s good enough for you: 

Dead cupid

Remember that adorable little cherub that licked his fingers, plucked his bow strings, and sent a missile of love plunging deep in your chest? Remember how well that didn’t work out? What a miserable little flying rodent, huh? Maybe it’s time we teach that guy a lesson Old West style by stringing him up. You couldn’t shoot people causing them irreparable harm back then, so what makes him think he can get away with it now? (You’ll have to message the seller directly and ask for a custom knit-job) [Buy it]

Voodoo knife holder

This one has been around for a little while, but classics are classics for a reason. This is an especially poignant gift if your former mistress was a terrible cook. Or a good cook, really. Or if she got fat. There’s a lot of ways this could go right is what we’re thinking, and, if she sends it back, it’s a pretty chic/hilarious piece for your own kitchen. [Buy it]

An actual Voodoo doll

This is getting into some creepy territory on a number of levels. But if you’re not very superstitious, and your ex is, this can be an extremely gratifiying exercise. Go here (or here or here) and get yourself a Voodoo doll kit. If you’re bored or enterprising or both, make your own. Then defile and destroy as you see fit; if possible, incorporate private sentiments into it so the message really hits home. And, who knows. Maybe it’ll work:

A receipt

This one is more for the ladies, but there is a section on it for “stuff guys get stuck with,” too. Take all the old jewelry (or computers, or watches, or whatever), and get rid of it at an insultingly low price. Then, print that confirmation email with the insultingly low price on it, and seal it in an envelope with a personalized stamp with your initials and a wax seal. Have it hand delivered to the target, and sit back to enjoy the inevitable communiqué to come. [Do it]

 

 

 

 

Comments