If you’ve studied at the Brody Jenner School of Being Ubiquitous for No Apparent Reason, then you probably have a basic understanding of what it takes to be a “brocialite” (that is, a male socialite, or one who parties with A-listers for a living). Perhaps you excelled in ‘Landing a Reality TV Show 101’ or made high marks in your ‘Getting Photographed by Inexplicably Important Blogs’ seminar. But maybe, like us, you weren’t naturally gifted enough to gain entry to such an uber-exclusive prep school, in which case you – like us – are probably suffering from a lack of fringe benefits and very little red carpet access.
However, being the fairly motivated and exceedingly desperate folks we are, we’ve been secretly studying brocialism for some time now in hopes of finally appearing in the gossip columns of Us Weekly. You, lucky fellow, can benefit from our industriousness with this helpful Cliff’s Notes guide to the five sacred tenets of brocialism. Learn them well … and text us when you’ve arrived.
Brocialites Show off on the Internet
Step one on your brocialite journey must be a trip to the Wikipedia, because no brocialite worth his Duartes is without a Google-able bio. And an impressive (yet believable) Wiki – along with at least 100,000 friends on your “official” MySpace page – is enough to get you brocial acceptance for most of a calendar year, which will give you time to gain some real cred through a clothing line or reality TV stardom.
It might go without saying, but we’ll say it anyway: your Wikipedia entry is going to do you no good if it’s truthful. Part of becoming a presence on the interwebz is crafting an alter-ego worthy of your desired status, which means that your charming stories about life in rural Indiana won’t cut it. Your alter-ego should be the offspring of either an obscure artist from the 70’s or an import/export magnate from a country no one’s ever heard of (no one you’ll be hanging out with, anyway; how about Montenegro?). Just make sure to clarify that your parents are American ex-pats, otherwise you’ll be stuck with an accent you won’t be able to manage after four rounds of Patron. And take a lesson from poor fallen brocialite Fabian Basabe: if you recently filed for bankruptcy, then you’d best get yourself a new name that isn’t riddled with debt, because the mean, nasty blogosphere will eventually discover the truth and out you for the pauper you really are.
Brocialites Sport Fine Garments
Prepare to fork over some significant bread for the privilege of calling yourself a brocialite; fancy haberdashers charge fancy prices, but you won’t want to be caught in your Salvation Army finest when the E! channel comes a-callin’. Stores like LA’s Kitson Men and Fred Segal will give you a decent overview of which styles cool dudes are into at any given moment, but outfitting yourself in head-to-toe trendery is going to make you look like an over-eager Asian teenager who just discovered the Gap, so you’ll want to ultimately forge your own unique style that you can then market to the masses at Walmart.
If you start with a decent pair of sunglasses (stick to Wayfarers or aviators for now), find some jeans that don’t have any tell-tale butt decorations, and get yourself a few black t-shirts, you should be fine in the short-term. Basic guy style hasn’t changed since James Dean, so this will hold you over until you figure out what kind of uniform is expected of you in your brocialite circle.
Brocialites Score the VIP
You can’t be VIP if you don’t act VIP (you must talk the talk and walk the walk, as ancient wisdom goes). Waiting in line and paying for well drinks is a braux-pas, so hitch up your swagger and walk into that club (pardon, that hot club; don’t waste your time on the places you usually go, because people like you go there, which means they aren’t brocially acceptable) like you own the place. If this fails you, then you might have some luck with a fat roll and an enterprising party promoter – did we mention that you should probably cash out your Bar Mitzvah bonds if you’re really serious about becoming a brocialite? – who can put you on “the list” so you don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of waiting with the townies outside the front entrance.
Once you’re in, head straight to the VIP and don’t look twice at the bouncer. He’ll probably assume you belong in there, but if he doesn’t, then you’ll need a secret weapon. A hot girl will usually do the trick. If your alter-ego’s swagger is hitched as instructed above, then you’ll find you have less difficulty than normal winning the affections of attractive women, especially if you flash a few bills and buy a round for the room. The confidence of being a worldly shipping heir is the most likely the secret ingredient your game has been missing all these years, so live it up, Gustav; get the girl, get the VIP, and never waste your time on a sweaty dance floor again.
Brocialites Travel in Packs
Unlike socialites, a brocialite is only as strong as the weakest link in his posse. While every bro must make the transition from common caterpillar to brocializing butterfly on his own, you’d do well to get in with an existing herd of brocialites who can enhance your visibility on the scene and give you an insider’s look into the world of brocialism. How does one accomplish this, you ask? Well, start by ditching your current friends; they’re only holding you back (we never said this would be nice). Next, cultivate an interest that will allow you to mix with a different brand of dude – one for whom leisure is a full-time job – like poker at the Palms or golf at the Mountain Gate. Finally, memorize your story and drop interesting tidbits about yourself whenever there’s a lull in the conversation. If you’ve done your homework, then the brocial set will fall all over you (they won’t be able to help themselves; they’re always looking for new blood).
Brocialites Enjoy Fine Arm Candy
Perhaps the surest way to win the title of ‘brocialite’ is to find a sexy socialite to whom you can hitch your brocial-climbing wagon. Male socialites are not a novelty; in fact, for years they were known as “walkers” because they were the dudely escorts for women about town who didn’t want to be seen alone. Thankfully, women haven’t changed that much, and society girls still want to be seen with someone dark, mysterious and loaded. With your expertly-crafted Wikipedia page, you can be all of these things. Actresses are especially susceptible; not only are they bored and lonely, but they also dream of dating a guy who “isn’t in the industry” but is still down with life in front of the flashbulbs. You would be perfect for that job.
Once you become a fringe brocialite, dating a Hollywood starlet is the perfect way to get yourself into the inner circle, so don’t turn down any party invitations no matter how stupid they may seem. You might just meet Ms. Right Now. Actresses also spend a lot of time at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in LA and Starbucks/the West Village in New York, so if all else fails, you can just plant yourself in one of those locations and wait for the onslaught.