Best American WAGs

The World Cup is a pretty big deal, and we’re making a fair showing as Americans.  But, you know, it’s never really been our forte.  We do other things here like build awesome, fast cars and date beautiful women.  We set records and invent rock and roll.  Important things.  We certainly don’t tie over here.  We win.  And, in honor of a red, white, blue, and winning tradition, we present the hottest American WAGs. 

Angelica Bridges

Angelica Bridges is, admittedly, pretty old school. She may, at this point, be towel manager or the water girl of Team American WAG. But, hey, you can’t spell woman aging gracefully without WAG (she’d probably like that kind of punny humor – it’s very much an early 80s thing). Bridges was together, then apart, then together again with NHL defenseman Sheldon Souray of the Edmonton Oilers.  

Quote: “On my first day of work, I had to revive this guy. It was also his first week on the programme and I wasn’t used to CPR. I was really into character, my lips were on him and I was blowing while trying to remember everything from CPR class. Then, all of a sudden, this fool starts moaning and he spurts in my mouth, I was so embaressed. Wait, where was I meant to blow again?”

Jessica Simpson 

Jessica Simpson made a name for herself in the early 2000s when pure, virginal, female pop sensations were the de rigeur on American music television.  Those were good days.  Since, she’s befouled her own reality show, been called "sexual crack cocain" by a mediocre guitar player with a crappy sleeve tattoo, and been responsible for the successes and failures of the great Tony Romo (like normal crack, sexual crack has its highs and lows)  

Quote: “I think there’s a difference between ditzy and dumb. Dumb is just not knowing. Ditzy is having the courage to ask!”

Brooklyn Decker

Brooklyn Decker is most famous (in our pants) for being the most recent cover model of the iconic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.  With her impossible measurements, stunning face, and all-around jovial personality, it’s no wonder that notoriously lady-hungry Andy Rodick snatched her up and put a ring on it.  

Quote: “When I was 10, I thought I would be the first lady president, and then on the side I would be an actress, and on the weekends a veterinarian. That was my plan. So, yeah, I had high hopes.”

Carmella DeCesare

Carmella’s foxy lady resume is long and distinguished.  She was a Playboy Cyber Girl, a Playboy Playmate, she starred on the "Girls Next Door," the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (pretty standard for the girls on this list), and even made an appearance in the World Wrestling Entertainment as a wrestler.  This chick does not mess around which is why NFL quarterback Jeff Garcia made her his lovely bride in 2007. 

Quote: “I don’t like to say anything.”

Eva Longoria

 

Eva’s a good, old-fashioned Texas girl who made good, rode her own sass and ass(ertiveness) to a successful film and television career.  From the spotlight, she caught the eye of NBA star Tony Parker.  Longoria, though, is not content to rest on her looks.  Last year, she enrolled in a masters class in Political Science and Chicano Studies at Cal State University North Ridge.  Smart chicks totally get us going. 

Quote: “The best sex I have ever had was with my vibrator.”

Adriana Lima

Are you kidding right now?  Adriana Lima.  She’s a Brazilian South American which seems to be some kind of spiritual-alchemical combination for untouchably hot ladies.  She dated a couple pretty eligible guys, but ended up settling down and spawning with Serbian NBA baller Marko Jarić.  Somehow, though, she’s sprung elastically back into perfect pre-mom shape, and is as hot as she’s ever been. 

Quote: “I try to control what I eat, but the truth is I can’t. I tried to give up meat last week, but I only lasted three days.”

Kim Kardashian 

Kim is technically no longer a WAG.  But, the length of her relationship to Reggie Bush combined with her almost cartoonishly curvaceous body have won her a place on this list.  Add to that her sister is married to Lamar Odom, and you have a decent argument for the WAG gene.  When she’s not dating sports stars (now), she’s busy cavorting about in a bikini to tangentially promote her families waning reality career.  Whatever gets her to bring her milkshakes to the yard. 

Quote: “I have a perfect body! That’s why I’m famous!”

Gisele

So.  What you might not know is that Gisele – without any of Tom Brady’s considerable fortune – is worth 70 million dollars.  70 million.  U.S. dollars.  She was also a skinny girl that got made fun of when she was little – her classmates called her Olive Oyl (excelpt, you know, in Portugese), so she’s not all up her own perfectly-formed butt with how great she is.  She’s relatively humble.  All of this and she is, quite clearly, ludicrously hot.  She’s dating Tom Brady, but in the context of everything you just read, it’s more like Tom Brady is lucky enough to let him hang around her and tell the papers that he is, gratefully, dating her. 

Quote: “It was not like I was taking myself seriously and being like, OK, now I’m going to be an actress and I’m going to do a Shakespeare movie.”

 

 

 

 

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