The two most popular tips of our nation are pretty much rivaling bedfellows who happen to sleep together. However much it may seem that they simply can’t get along in public, they’re actually texting dirty come-ons to each other under the table. They’re said to be two entirely different worlds. Why? The seasons? The civilians? The asshole taxi drivers versus D-bag boardwalk musicians? Witness the ultimate throw down between our two most brutally, beloved cities and why, though we love to watch them impossibly flirt, we’d rather see them fighting.
Round One – Weather
Starting with the basics, the climates of these cities couldn’t be more polarized – meaning, New York is the North Pole and Los Angeles is not. L.A ‘s pretty much a contained environment of a fairly constant seventy-five degrees, which allows for BBQ’s and beach babes year round (depending on the farmer’s almanac’s alternations and the alterations to your beach bod). But, after a blazing three months of humid air much like the texture of molasses, New York becomes a fluctuation of cold for nine months, which cuts out the option of beach bods altogether. (Both a positive and negative thing – it’s great to have a bathing suit break, it’s terrible to take breaks from seeing bikinis). Even stevens.
Round Two – Spacing
In New York, they build up. In Los Angeles, they build wide. NY streets are cluttered with towering, statuesque structures where people live like stacked pancakes. LA streets advertise squatting houses and front yards. The condos and apartments in LA are still sufficiently larger than most NY apartments, simply because NY has too many damn people and not enough room to accommodate. LA roads are much roomier, positioned by beaches and rarely walked by human beings. NY roads are packed with screeching automobiles and side-by-side buildings, but also allow for closer face-to-flesh contact with people passing by (permitting relationships, friendships, one night stands and all other dalliances to flourish).
Round Three – Backyards VS Rooftops
Because most people in Los Angeles live in shared houses or small complexes with the blessing of beautiful weather, whereas most New Yorkers live in cramped closets to retreat from cold, social gatherings take on different appearances. L.A supplies backyard space (you should always have at least one mutual friend with this bonus) and this means the plausibility of barbecues, yard parties, passing out on lawns and playing sexually altered versions of Marco Polo in the pool. It also probably means tiki torches and tall kegs. N.Y’s buildings rarely have backyards, save in Brooklyn, (which is not yet iconic N.Y., even with the Williamsburg hipster crowd) and so, instead of going out back, they go on up – up to the roof. Many NY buildings have emergency fire exits at the top floor, which have been pried open and forgotten, and happen to coincidentally display some of the best views of Manhattan. So, whereas in Los Angeles you can expect to find yourself lounging by a jacuzzi, beer in hand, trunks slapped tightly on, in New York you’ll hustle to the highest flat space available and stare out at the glittering skyline, quieting your shivers with some strong ass alcohol and legitimate drinking company.
Round Four – Cars VS Subways
When a lost soul scuttles into L.A for the first time, people explode with laughter if (s)he has not yet found a vehicle. This is because natives or long-time-livers of L.A know that the public transportation system is one of the poorest available. There’s the downtown L.A subway that no one rides, because risking an earth quake and getting buried under such stupid circumstances doesn’t seem worth it and the bizarrely routed bus that never shows up. Other than that, you need a car. Finding a car can be tough, pricey and ultimately inconvenient, but with today’s economic market, monthly payments are awesomely low. Once you’ve got the car, you’ve got a second home, a place to store your extra crap and it’s pure convenience.
In New York, you carry this extra crap with you on your person wherever you go, because to have a car in Manhattan is pretty much the equivalent of eagerly initiating a fist fight with a very bitter, very busy bus driver (who won’t think twice before swinging). The subways, however, are a golden secret for anyone interested in getting intoxicated without having to count the highway reflector rivets on their (high) way home. So, while it may be slightly annoying to walk a few blocks to board an unpredictably timed train, riding home at night is never a risk of your license or life.
Round Five – House Parties/Supermarket Booze VS Bad Liquor Store Hours/Dive Bars
They call New York the city that never sleeps, but we call New York the city that never sells liquor at a good time. Unlike Los Angeles, where hard liquor is sold at supermarkets and pretty much everywherelik, N.Y only offers booze in liquor stores, which happen to close by 11 p.m or earlier and sometimes refuse to open on Sundays. Obviously this is a major downside for someone who’s made the cross-country trek from L.A’s 24 hour booze-availability, but N.Y makes up for it with its bars. Many N.Y restaurants remain open until 2 a.m or later and their bars, even on weeknights, can close at an average of 4’ or 5 o’ clock. This means that everyone else who forgot to buy a bottle before 11 p.m ends up in the same corner bars looking for company and keep at it for ridiculous hours. Due to the small spaces and annoyance of procuring bottled liquor, N.Y very rarely showcases the famous ‘house party,’ beloved of L.A natives (i.e vacant house whose kitchen gets turned into a make-shift bar). Here, you see specifically the rivaling natures of these cities in their mutual offerings of incomparable greatness. (See also: Women)
Round Six – Women You Want VS Women You Need
Finally you’ve come to the last stage – choosing a city based on its population of attractive women. This means, you’ll need to know what women are attractive to you, not passably attractive, or ‘interestingly’ attractive (sure, we’ve all said it), but attractive enough to entice you for a hefty selection of years, dinner dates and daily perusal. Los Angeles’ beach atmosphere combined with its Hollywood calling for starlettes, leaves you with two main stereotypes of women: Barbie and Barbie’s Beach Friend. Barbie is beautiful, long-legged, most-likely blonde or voluptuously brunette (red heads are rare and lucky), has newly adjusted fake breasts and giggles nonchalantly when showing them to pretty much any attractive dude who asks. And she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed (if you consider a tool something that needs to be smart). Barbie’s Beach Friend is funny, slightly less stunning (but still by all means cute), plays beach volleyball, and rides her bike to yoga. Barbie (whether blonde, brunette or otherwise) is most likely who you’ll want to screw, whereas Barbie’s Beach Friend is who you’ll want to spend many nights with.
New York’s fast-paced edge, intense art scene and Hamptons-style, loaded families also produce two extreme, feminine molds: Artsy Daria and Ivanka Trump. Remember Daria? The sardonic, short-haired cartoon character deeply engaged in her own intellectual troubles and triumphs? This is precisely the stereotypical artist chick of the East coast. She cares more about her work than her way with men, doesn’t specifically realize her body’s best assets, but still frequently sleeps around, dates and hooks up. Though she’s not the most common ideal of physical beauty (i.e Barbie), she is the epitome of mysteriously sensual, bedroom-eyed indie idol. Ivanka Trump is quite the opposite. Whereas Daria’s artistic dignity takes first seat and her attractiveness is accidental, Ivanka Trump’s drool-worthy appearance (many red heads are readily available) makes her intelligence seem an accident. These Ivanka Trumps sport short skirts, high heels, vacation at summer houses in the Hamptons, own properties, most often only date Princes and live large through killer inheritance.
Obviously, we have no idea. You’ll have to weight the pros and cons outlined here for yourself, but we’d encourage you to consider the prophetic lyrics from “Wear Sunscreen,” Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in California once, but leave before it makes you soft.