This piece is to educate and provide a valuable service. It’s not that we’ve ever been enticed to make an emergency meal at two in the morning because we’re drunk. We know nothing about doing that. Every. Single. Night. So you had a few too many and now you need something to fill your gut so you can pass out and skip work the next day. Don’t fret. No matter what shape your kitchen is in, there will be something you can prepare for your drunken self. Just make sure whatever you are making doesn’t require cutting with a knife, the use of can openers, or glassware. That has emergency room written all over it.

Note: Health addicts stop reading now.

Egg Stuff

We’re down with the egg situation. They pretty much make themselves if you can put a skillet on the stove and turn the flame on. If you can’t do that, then maybe you shouldn’t be eating anyway. The awesome thing about eggs is there is no limit to what you can put in with them. Leftover Arby’s, Taco Bell pieces, things you find in the trash…everything mixes well with eggs.

Directions:Crack about five eggs into a skillet (remove shells, you drunkard). Turn on the burner. Start throwing in pieces of whatever you want to add. We strongly suggest adding cheese, butter, onions, and more than one type of meat. What? We didn’t claim these were going to be heart-strengthening meals.

Mac & Meat

Mac & cheese is one of the easiest dishes in the world to conquer. In fact, we challenge you to screw it up. Luckily, it was invented by a drunk dude who was jonesing for some grub late one night. We have no facts to base that claim on, but you never know, right? Mac & cheese is great on it’s own, but when some fun additions are thrown in, it becomes food fit for a drunken king. Obviously we’re not talking about putting Cherrios in the mix, but we are suggesting the addition of some wonderful meat. Beef, chicken, turkey, pork — whatever does it for you. Meat makes the mac & cheese into a kinda’, sorta’ real Italian dish.

Directions:Put macaroni in a bowl and cover with water. Microwave for about 3 ½ minutes. Stir in cheese powder. Toss in whatever meat you want to use. Mix together vigorously. Eat and marvel at your genius.

Spam Sandwich

Spam comes in a can, but doesn’t require a can opener, so you should be safe. Let that be our legal disclaimer. When sober, Spam tastes like a moldy sponge that has been used to wipe the floor of a Bally’s locker room. When not so sober, Spam is akin to filet mignon. You can add whatever you want with the Spam between two slices of bread. We like mayo and mustard, with a little lettuce and tomato (if it’s already cut up…again, don’t use knives).

Directions: Get two slices of bread (white bread is best, because you are eating Spam after all). Rip off a few chunks of Spam from the rectangle hunk of mystery meat and plop it on the bread. Toss on whatever else you might be hankering for. Eat up.

Fake Filet ‘O Fish

We have to admit that we like us some filet ‘o fish. But our local Mickey D’s isn’t always open when we drag home smelling of liquor. How do we solve that problem? Have some fish sticks and hamburger buns on hand. Making the tartar sauce is a little more difficult, but if you’ve truly got your drink on, your taste buds are likely paralyzed anyway. That’s when you know you’ve had a good night.

Directions: Line about four fish sticks side by side on the hamburger bun. Throw on a slice of cheese and soak with mayo and relish. And salt. Lots of salt. Heat in the microwave or a toaster oven. Then enjoy your genius.

Ice Cream Surprise

Okay, you may not be feeling the need for a ‘meal’, but a snack will hit the spot. Time to raid your freezer. Ice cream and kitchen scraps is all you need for this tasty delight. Grab a bowl — the larger the better — and scoop in a heaping of your favorite ice cream. Then start adding crap. Stuff like pretzels, peanut butter, almonds, candy, cereal, granola bars (you know, because you’re being healthy). If it seems like a good idea to add it in with your ice cream, then it probably is a good idea.

Directions: Grab a mixing bowl. Dump in a lot of ice cream. Grab handfuls of other stuff and throw on top of the ice cream. Just eat it.

Chip Collage

Certainly you will find some chips floating around your house. If not in the kitchen, check under your sofa cushions. The trick in making this a rocking meal is to dress the chips up a bit. If you have more than one type of chip, mix them together for even more perfection. Then start adding to them like the world is going to end. Shredded cheese, sour cream, peppers…whatever. It’s all good when your spinning a chips masterpiece.

Directions: Collect all the chips in your place and put them on a plate or in a bowl. Sprinkle cheese on them and heat for about thirty second in the microwave. Continue to add other stuff like sour cream, or whatever is appropriate for the brand of chips you have selected. Corn chips work the best, but use whatever you have.

Pizza Bagels

These actually are even good when you are accidentally sober. Make sure to keep a stash of bagels in your place (or in your pockets) so you have the base to this pizza meal. If you are a dude who likes your pie with the works, then you will need some other ingredients. If you are just down with pepperoni and cheese, you gotta’ have those in stock, too. Obviously.

Directions: Well, in case you haven’t guessed yet, you need a bagel. Cut it in half and start laying on your ingredients. If you do not have tomato sauce (no can openers!), use ketchup. Place the other ingredients on — pepperoni, sausage, onions, peppers, bacon, whatever else — then finish with a nice heap of cheese. Microwave or heat it up in the toaster oven.

Now you are a master chef. And might need to attend AA.