From the mountains, to the prairies, to the females, far and wiiiiiiiide, God bless America… Okay, you get the picture. We love us some USA because it truly is the land of opportunity. You may not be able to get a job or pay for health insurance, but you can always pick up a lady friend. We decided to help you focus your search down to the best places in the nation to pick up women, you know, just to give you a leg up. So to speak.

Gentlemen…your list of places to pick her up.

South Carolina: Downtown Greenville
We all know that a stiff, religious upbringing makes chicks want to do real bad things to you. And what better place to find such females as the buckle of The Bible Belt? You won’t find them cruising Wade Hampton Blvd or rockin’ the Haywood Mall. The place you want to go is downtown G’Vegas and hit row-after-row of smokey bars. They’ll be the chicks pretending to have a bachelorette party just to get your attention. Fish in a barrel? That’s difficult compared to scoring with these honeys.

Tip: Avoid going too far North East. Spartanburg is the itchy butthole of The Bible Belt.

Texas: Austin

For your money, this is the only city worth visiting in Texas. Provided you want to pick up a chick or two. We included the whole city here because this city is a wealth of chick-picking-uppery (yet another term we have coined).  Austin has a primo downtown area and a little something for everyone: country-western bars (gag), dance clubs, sports bars, outdoorsy stuff, and pseudo-artsy places, if that’s your bag.  The Austin 6th Street Bar is particularly ripe for the pickin’. http://www.austintexasbar.com/ The city also has plenty of live music in various spots, which acts as a magnet for chicks wanting to throw sexual caution to the wind. And that’s what we in the biz call ‘Paradise’.

Tip: Bring extra deodorant. It’s f’ing hot.

Colorado: Slopes of Aspen
There’s something magical about being locked into a small ski town for a week that makes women want to lock their winter-coat-covered arm through yours and stroll off into the two degree night. Maybe it’s the spiked hot chocolate or the fact that people’s possible imperfections are hidden under ski masks and six layers of thermals. All we know is Aspen with its multiple slopes is a breeding ground (hehe) for snagging a chick. And we mean that in a totally non-creepy, legal way.

Tip: Avoid licking the flag poles.

Manhattan: Brother Jimmy’s BBQ
This place not only has a great atmosphere, great food, and lots of booze, but it is also a haven for many a female waiting to be hit on. There are several locations to choose from around Manhattan, but we suggest the location across from The Garden at 31st and 8th. Here you get plenty of wild local chicks, but also get a high volume of out-of-towners looking to make some bad decisions while on vacay. And don’t shy away from picking up the employees either. The waitresses and bartenders are almost all females and are allowed to sip an adult beverage while working.

Tip: There may or may not be syphilis in the bathroom. Proceed with caution.

Florida: Panama City Beach 
Sure, this one has specific dates attached to it, but it is well worth it. If picking up hot and intoxicated college chicks isn’t your thing, then you are a loser. But don’t worry, Spring Break has now become a holiday for other hotties that actually have a career and pretend to be responsible. Luckily, they are hitting Panama City to throw some fuel on the dying embers of their youth. Hello, opportunity. When the sun disappears and the crowds move into the city, go to The Boatyard.  This is a spot where you are guaranteed to pick up a vixen.

Tip: Don’t write your name on your chest with sunscreen. That’s just lame.

Utah: Sundance Film Festival 

Again, you only have a short period of time out of the year to exploit this location, but you would be wise to do so. Thousands of fans, film types, and Hollywood clingers shack up for a little over a week every January to get wasted and hit on one another under the guise of the cinema. And luckily, the festival covers four cities which expands your pick up horizons. Throw a rock and you’ll hit a party in progress. Throw another rock and you’ll hit a chick waiting for someone to sweep her off her feet for the better part of the week. You’ll just have to explain why you threw a rock at her.

Tip: Say you have a film in competition. They’ll never check on it later.

Seattle Coffee Houses
In many cities, picking up a chick in a coffee house is daunting because she is infinitely smarter and more educated than you. In Seattle, you get all kinds. Where else are they going to go when rain is being heaped on the city — as it does over ¾ of the time? Seattle is known for their coffee joints, but what many don’t know is that they are also havens for some of Seattle’s most smoking hotties. So throw on a raincoat and grab an umbrella and head to Seahawk country. Playa’.

Tip: Don’t open up with, “So, how about this rain, huh?”

California: Hearst Castle
Yeah, we know. You’re confused as to how a massive mansion/castle/structure could be a place to pick up chicks. One trip there will convince you forever. Hearst Castle just happens to be on the Central Coast of California in between San Francisco and Los Angeles, and pretty much entrenched in Wine Country. And millions of chicks take road trips into Wine Country every year. What many a man does not know is that these women usually make a pit stop at Hearst Castle — if for nothing else, but to make a bathroom pit stop. These same women are on a road trip to escape the mundaness of their big city lives. Go. Be their knight in shining armor. Or at least one in an Old Navy t-shirt and soccer sandals.

Tip: Visit the gift shop. It’s actually pretty bitchin’.