Let’s be honest – Halloween’s fun, but, secretly, we feel it’ll never be as fun as it was when we were allowed to Trick or Treat. Sometime around thirteen (give or take a year depending on personalized puberty), we were shunned from these houses of shimmering lights, our opportunity for free candy vanished and we were forced to stand on far the sidewalk, watched skeptically by passing parents. It was a sad time. We couldn’t drink. We couldn’t party. And we couldn’t carry around plastic pumpkins piled up with Three Musketeers. But now the tables have turned – and we’ve devised a way to combine the best of adulthood (alcohol, shocking costumes, scary ass shenanigans) with the best of childhood – Trick or Treating.
Ways To Fool ‘Em
For those who are sincerely interested in candy, the thrill of creative costumes and the adrenaline rush experienced by potential assault – there is the option of disguise. If you’re not a hulking man (i.e. the dudes in 300/Arnold Schwarzenegger always), and you have a similarly sized friend, this is an absolute possibility. Some costumes capable of hiding the fact that you are a grown ass man include:
– Dressing up as little boys who are dressed up as grown men. This means, completely shaving, slapping on a grotesquely fake mustache, a bowler hat, large glasses, big shoes (think Groucho Marx), stuffed muscle shirts and any other absurd props that suggest a little boy’s impression of an adult man.
– A dynamic duo of friends together compiling the costume of an animal. There are cow costumes like this for rent – one person is the head and front legs and the other person is the rear and hind legs. This means you’ll be connected for however long you’re pursuing candy, but it also means that no one will care to check your face before endowing your bucket.
It worked for Val Kilmer.
Trick or Treating for Drinks
Instead of the plastic pumpkin, get yourself an empty shot glass. You and another friend (don’t do this alone – ever) should be dressed as something relevant to your props. Some examples are: Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, John Travolta and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, Jimi Hendrix and Mick Jagger, etc. The idea is to incorporate infamously dysfunctional personas to pry from these people a smile. This will endear you to the uptight adults and have you adored by the groovy, as there are very few people unable to appreciate such audacity, humor and high taste. The main objective, in choosing your costume, is to do everything you can not to appear like some lonely adult walking door-to-door asking someone for a free sip of booze (whether it’s true or not). Once you’ve chosen a costume that you feel speaks for itself, simply knock on the door, raise your glasses and yell those magic words.
For the brave: Try hitting up local bars in your area that seem particularly big supporters of the Halloween spirit. Any bartender in a good enough mood, impressed enough by your costumes, and distracted enough by drunk customers, will likely pour you a shot or two for free. But probably not on Halloween proper. Try the weekend before.
Trick or Treating for R-Rated Candy
What’s better than candy? Yes, kisses. Now that you’re not some grubby-faced adolescent in a batman costume, you’ll actually be able to attempt this. It’s a wise idea to pick a neighborhood that is either predominantly filled with young, impressionable women (i.e. college areas) or attractive older mothers (i.e. kindergarten areas in Beverly Hills). From here, you should once again choose a charming costume. Something like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, but with pants (to avoid being immediately arrested), which means – any kind of costume that showcases both your attractiveness and sense of humor. (Chip ‘n’ Dales does not count). In order to win the admiration of these mothers (and prevent them from calling the police), you’ll want to arrive with a small group of friends, all of whom are also dressed up. Explain briefly that you are trick or treating for kisses and that the mother must choose one cheek to kiss (there are frisky mothers who might willingly go farther). If need be, pretend it is a festive version of a bachelor party and the women will be more inclined to support you. Keep a running tally of your accomplishments. Loser buys drinks.
If you’re lucky enough to have a few pals living in the same neighborhood, you have the opportunity to recreate the childhood legend of Haunted Houses. You’ll need at least three houses. Have each neighbor assemble a small team of friends to back up their house. Each house should have a different team and a different blueprint, plot, theme, etc. These ideas should be kept secret for suspense. (In order to avoid duplications, you can elect one friend who’s not involved to be told all ideas). Most importantly, because we are adults obsessed with getting awards for our experiences, there should be some sort of material object given away at the end of the haunted house. This can be something as simple as chocolate eyeballs or as cooky as homemade horror crafts (i.e. bloody, disfigured limbs made from clay, disturbing drawings, cans of PBR). By assembling a row of haunted houses to peruse, you’ll not only enjoy the reinvigorated feel of trick or treating, but also the grown up greatness of block parties.
Strip or Treating
This can either be done with a group of houses in the same, general neighborhood or within one large house.
For the individual houses: First, enlist a bunch of adventurous, festive and in-it-for-fun females (craigslist?) – they are key. Then, mark on a map (or scribble one up yourself) the houses you have established as usable in your neighborhood. It’s okay if the houses are not on the same street, but keep in mind that you won’t want to be driving and, therefore, all houses should be relatively within walking distance. At each of these houses station a few of your ‘fun females,’ fully dressed in outfits that can be taken apart piece by piece (i.e. not just a dress…) and hit the road with your treasure map, trick or treating for a piece of clothing from one female in each house. Your pals should be split into small teams as you go from house to house (it’s a good idea to have liquor in each house to sample before continuing your journey). The object of the game is to get through all the houses as quickly as possible, because, by the time you make it back to the first house, your hostesses will be nearly (if not entirely) naked. After this, reunite your teams and team leaders (i.e. the women). No further explanation is necessary.
For one house: Station one woman (and/or stripper?) in each room of the house and set up small obstacle courses (trying to walk a straight line, balancing an egg in a spoon) between each door to make it more exciting. Repeat aforementioned steps as needed; and have one hell of a Halloween.
A good option if you can’t make it to The Mansion.