Accessorizing with jewelry for men is, dare I say, a far trickier proposition than it is for a woman. “Gaudy” applies much more quickly when you’re a guy, as does tacky, and throwing words like “bling” around as your reason only cuts it if you have at some point in your life put out a hit hip-hop record. The traps are plentiful; beware the following…
1. Pinky Ring
In the late ’70s and early ’80s this was a Brooklyn staple, particularly for the Italian-American. But once being called Tony Manero turned into a joke, as opposed to a compliment, they became props for Joe Pesci movies. The pinky ring has remaind there—rightly so—ever since.
2. Horn Necklace
Only to get ensnared in chest hair, this is another relic from a bygone era, best left to costume parties and Steve Martin impersonators. The necklace in and of itself is dicey terrain, but ones with bull horns or elephant tusks or… whatever they were… are just asking for trouble. No matter the karat.
3. Metallic Bracelet
Just… don’t. No matter what time-honored men’s fashion periodical tells you otherwise. A leather or rope bracelet, beaten down by the sun? Go for it. Even beaded. Several of them bunched together, the black one offsetting the tan one, which is off-setting the… you get the picture. Fine. But some stainless steel ditty, that holds up the line at the airport because it’s so damned hard to get off? You’re a crazy person.
4. Arm Candy
This is fashionista speak for the guy who’s got somewhere between 8 and 10 different types of bracelets stacked. Maybe even a watch in there. You can add one bracelet to a classy watch and be fine, but avoid mixing and matching so wildly no single piece gets the attention it deserves and, what’s worse, you just look like someone crying out for attention.
5. Hoop Earring
Ahoy, matey… 1983 called. (You know the rest.) Leave Johnny Depp’s wardrobe for his next turn as Captain Jack Sparrow alone. Seriously, unless you’re commemorating the one-year anniversary of George Michael passing, leave the gold hoop earring right where it belongs, in Mom’s jewelry box.
6. Ring on Every Finger
This is quite simply just a “never.” You probably shouldn’t even own ten rings. But, for the sake of this article, let’s say that you do. Just make sure you emerge from reading said article knowing that there will never, ever be a suitable occasion to have one on each of your fingers. Cool? Cool.
7. Multiple Precious Stones
Look, some guys can pull off a precious stone. Be it central to a ring or a necklace, or even the whole of your cufflinks, just the hint of this one color that is nowhere else to be found on your person that evening can make quite the statement. But no man can pull off excessive precious stones. Even if you just returned from an archaeological dig and these are your findings, it takes stones to wear one stone, let alone more than one. Dig?
8. Nose or Lip Ring
The eyebrow can be cool, in a primal sorta way, but the nose ring has seen its day for men and, quite frankly, the pierced lip was never a shrewd move. When it comes to piercings it’s best to stick to just one, and that’d easily be the ear or the eyebrow.
Unless you’re a high school senior working at a video game store, there is simply no reason for any male to have this gaping hole in their ear, and to stretch their lobe out in this profound way. The suit has not been made, nor will it ever be made, that the ear gauge is going to go with, so keep that in mind once Mom starts mailing out your graduation party invitations.
Does anything more really need be said? You might be too far gone if it does. You may have just spent the summer of your dreams with the girl of your dreams, and this is her little keepsake to you that she insists is going to look cute AF on the beach. Lose it. Maybe even her too.