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Airport security finally comes up with a good idea, hooray! For years now, tighter security precautions and more in-depth screening has caused the death of quick and breezy airport travel, but now with these new classified lines, you can blow past all the losers holding you up.

The chart at the left shows the three new security checkpoint line classifications air travelers can choose to join. The slow meandering family with a bunch of noisy kids gets the ‘slow lane’ big green circle.

The casual traveler who is familiar with all the rules, but doesn’t want to be rushed gets a nice calming blue box (The guy on the logo is so cool too, look at his baseball cap and casual body posture).

Now are you ready for this? The black diamond lane is for experts only, baby. Out of the way, gramps! If you can’t recite the 3-1-1 rule of acceptable liquids in your sleep forwards and backwards, don’t even think of joining this line. I imagine the majority of these travelers are those traveling for business on tight deadlines. Type A personalities who are on the fast track to success and also want to be on the fast track to Gate 69.

Join the black diamond at your own peril. If you think you can handle it but, find yourself fumbling to take off your lace-up shoes and unbuckle your belt, and I’m sure you’ll hear jeers about your incompetence from some surly corporate executive who needs to be in Seattle pronto. In these situations might I suggest heckling, “Stick to the Blue Square, fatso” and other such pejorative jabs.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has announced that a number of these specialized lines are currently open for business at airports across the country. They include San Diego, LA, Boston, Raleigh, Orlando, Chicago, Houston, and Boise among others. Check out the full list or airports and tips of how to join the black diamond group. Good thing they got Boise in there, but no NYC, WTF? The people in New York need black diamond lanes at the corner deli, Starbucks, the bank, rectal exams, etc. and definitely at the airports around there.

The black diamond lines are said to decrease waiting time by 40% compared to the all-in-one cattle call system. It also appears to cause less stress among passengers, which is always good.

A commenter on the Consumerist offered this help with another line that should be added to speed things up:

That would certainly make security screeners’ job a lot easier. Maybe just back up an old 20th century Paddy Wagon at then end of the Red line for would-be terrorists to hop right in?

TSA: Black Diamond Select Lines, June 23, 2008 via Consumerist