So let’s get this straight: Pro football is essentially sanctioned gladiatorial violence, but it’ll destroy the very fabric of America if anyone who manages to evade a horde of bloodthirsty tacklers and cross the goal line actually acknowledges it in any sort of colorful way?

No, seriously. According to Spotrac, this season alone, some 228 players have racked up infractions totaling, wait for it, $28,160,962. As the penalties and fines for silly celebrations and all kinds of other nonsense continue to pile up, we bring you the No Fun League Cosmopolitan. It’s the perfect cocktail to sip whilst spending three hours on the couch watching loads of superfluous stoppages occasionally interrupted by 11 minutes of actual action.

What the hell, Goodell?