Let’s face it, you suck.  At least compared to Logan from Damn it Feels Good to Be a Banker.  His money, intelligence, and lifestyle is the dream we all have when we are washing our minivan and checking to see if Apple went up $3 in our 401K.  I had the pleasure of interviewing the author, Logan (aka Amit Chatwani of Leveraged SellOut) recently and thought I would share a few of his insightful responses.

1.    Obviously you didn’t write the book because of the cash.  What inspired you to teach us about the world of high finance?

I wanted people in finance to have something they could hold on to and think: “Yes—this is why I do what I do.”  And I wanted people outside of the industry to have something they could look at and think: “Damn—my life really sucks.”

2.    Rumor has it you received a million dollar advance on the book.  What did you spend it on?

An aggressive Tuesday night.

3.    Timothy Sykes wrote his book on how he made his millions.  Have you read it and what did you think of it?

Who the fuck is Timothy Sykes?  “Millions” of dollars?  Sounds like that guy’s operating in the wrong order of magnitude.  That’s like a baseball player talking about how he hit “tens” of home runs.  Or a pick up artist writing a book about taking down 6 fat chicks.

4.    You mention the lack of diversity in the banker world.  I know this gay guy who got a perfect SAT score and graduated 3rd in his class at Yale.  What are his chances of scoring a job?

I’d say everything about him is fine except the Yale part.  As you know, Banking welcomes diversity with open arms, but it has zero tolerance for bushleague faux intellectuals.  If he’s hell-bent on Wall Street, I’d suggest corporate law, far away from quantitative rigor, where the work might be more in line with his other life preferences.

5.    Michael Phelps comes to you with the million dollars he just received from Speedo and wants to “make his money work for him”.  What’s your advice for him?

Nice work on TRL, bro.  And no, I do not have any “hot stock tips” for you.  Bankers are financiers; we operate at the highest intellectual levels, nurturing and stimulating the world’s economy, one deal at a time.  Call up Banc of America Securities, Phelps.  You’re upper middle class now, so that’s Banc with a “C.”

6.    Obviously you can get any chick you want.  What will it take from a woman to make you settle down with her and start a family?

Marriage is the one deal I do not think about doing.  One thing I do know for certain is that my wife will wear heels, all the time.  In the kitchen, in the bedroom, while on the elliptical.  Flats in our house will be like state schoolers on Wall Street—banished.

7.    I have a couple of hedge fund manager friends that call bullshit on your book.  They say they make money money than investment bankers.  What do you say to that?

I call “meathead” on your friends.  Only poor people talk about money.  Finance is about prestige—being elite.  We are the marines.  It’s not about making $20MM with your Boiler Room friends, buying every watch Trader Monthly advertises, and then screaming “I BRING THE NOISE!” from the top of your Hoboken Penthouse.  That’s some straight municipal golf course shit.  I’m playing Maidstone.

8.    Deep inside you seem to want to be a teacher. Ever thought of leaving high finance and moving into the area of non-profit?

I am a philanthropist—I attend many lavish benefits to help enable change.  But as for non-profit, no—then what would all the girls and liberal arts majors do?

9.    Our readers love the ladies.  For those of us that don’t have the right job to get the ladies, is there any advice you can give us that may give us an edge over the average guy.

I would recommend lying, egregiously.

10.    A guy I work out with has an Uncle that was the Chairman of Morgan Stanley.  Is that too far removed to use as a “foot in the door” in getting a job with your firm?

That may get your resume and cover letter pulled out of the trashcan for a second glance.  Have you done any analytical work?  Comparable blog analysis?  Sum of the posts?  Stress any inner-city mentoring programs you may have been involved in (on the mentor side).

11.    How realistic is “Wallstreet Warriors”? Have you ever thought about developing a reality show about investment bankers?

This is not feasible because no Banker would risk his firm’s credibility for a bit of mainstream fame—we keep it close to the vest.

12.     Last but not least.  When does the movie come out?

Summer of 2010.  The title is TBD.  It’s a traditional superhero movie, except the protagonist is both Banker by day and by night.  He is the opposite of someone with a genetic mutation—he is 100% pedigree.   He wears a bulletproof bespoke suit and kills his enemies with mist from a tiny spray bottle containing a wild strain of extremely potent truffle oil.  His entourage includes: several Victoria’s Secret models, a small female Asian Analyst who flings ninja star bound pitch books at enemies, and a hideous, middle aged cannibal named Headhunter.  I’ve hired Christopher Nolan to take dictation from me for the script.

Again thanks to Logan for the interview and I highly recommend you purchase the book, it truly is one of the funniest pieces of satire I’ve read in years.  Here’s a little video that summarizes the book