There’s something repulsive happening all across this great country of ours. It’s even extending into distant, lesser countries like Spain, France and South America.
It’s called the man bun. It’s a hair bun worn by a man. And it’s wrong. So very, very wrong.
So we come to you today with a simple, heartfelt message: Please, men of the Internet, stop with the man bun.
If you had a man bun, it wouldn’t be very long until you’d be asking to borrow one of your girlfriend’s scrunchies. Which would be so sad. Just incredibly sad. Because first of all, the scrunchie peaked in 1987.
This means you, guy reading this with a man bun. Cease and desist, hombre. Ahora.
We don’t care if you think you’re getting more action because of your man bun. You must stop wearing your hair like that. Right now.
And if you know any other dude who is rocking a bun in his hair oven, please share this message with him immediately.
And then kick him in the balls.
If you can find them.
Not kidding at all.
But seriously, guys: This is a totally important subject. For the sake of all men everywhere, now and in the future, on this planet and any others—including that weird fifth-dimension planet in Interstellar—you must appreciate that the man bun is pure evil and you should never, ever wear your hair like that.
And here are ten reasons why.
Ten damn good and completely logical reasons why.
1. You are not a woman. You are a man. And men shouldn’t wear their hair in a bun.
2. You are not Princess Leia. She wore ear buns. You should not. It would be a form of the man bun. Which, as we’ve already established, is something you shouldn’t do.
3. If you had a man bun, it wouldn’t be very long until you’d be asking to borrow one of your girlfriend’s scrunchies. Which would be so sad. Just incredibly sad. Because first of all, the scrunchie peaked in 1987.
4. The man bun is a waste of good follicles. If you’ve got the necessary hair to sport a man bun, get it out in the open and show it the fuck off! We speak from experience here: You probably won’t have those beautiful locks forever.
5. A man bun makes you look dirty. And like you have a venereal disease. A permanent one. Not to put too fine a point on it, but man buns and herpes go together like Vegas and… herpes.
6. A man bun sorta looks like something Brad Pitt would do. And the things Brad Pitt does… only Brad Pitt can do.
7. Your band isn’t good enough for you to be doing that with your hair. Come back to us after In the Life of Trevor Fitzsimmons goes triple platinum. And don’t make the excuse that you followed the Harry Styles Man Bun Tutorial either.
8. Man buns are not safe. For example, they will attract cops to the weed in your manpurse.
9. If you wear a man bun, now you gotta wear a robe too. That’s just how it works. And nobody should wear a robe. Unless you’re portraying Jesus in a production of some kind. In which case, you’ve probably got bigger problems. The first of which being you’re Jeremy Sisto.
10. People might come up to you and use the word man bun. Which, like all phrases that start with man, is a really stupid phrase.
Bonus reason: 11. You’re not an Italian soccer star. Capiche?