You’ve been hearing it your whole lives: “Don’t shit where you eat.”
It’s the golden rule to both successful personal and business relationships, and it’s one of those unbreakable Universal Laws of Man that’s so old, we don’t even know who the first guy to say it was. In fact, it was probably a woman who said it, because women are way better at that stuff than we are, and we’ll shit anywhere and everywhere.
Anyway, the rule dictates that, no matter what, keep your relationships with your co-workers, colleagues and professional peers polite and cordial. No flirtin’, no datin’ and especially no fuckin’.
Of course, rules were meant to be broken.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying this rule isn’t right. Is it easier to simply not have sex with your colleagues? Yes. Should you probably not engage in any unnecessary sexual conduct if you want to keep your work life squeaky clean? Probably.
But let me also ask you this: You know what’s better than Chipotle for lunch? Sex, you idiot. Or, if you plan it right, Chipotle and sex. See where I’m going with this?
The Allure of Doing What We’re Not Supposed to Do:
The main reason people wind up hooking up with their co-workers is because we’re inherently little shits who don’t like being told what to do. That’s just the simple truth of it.
What happens when you tell a child not to touch a hot stove? They touch it. What happens when you tell your 14-year-old not to smoke cigarettes? They smoke one. What happens when you tell me not to “so much as look at” So-And-So from the design department? Not only am I going to look at So-And-So, I’m going to coax her into a four-month-long fling that eventually ends with her burning the hoodie and various T-shirts she stole from my house.
Why? Why did we do it, Linda the HR Manager? Because you told us not to, you bitch, and damn it, it was good. We Snapped each other nudes during the 401K meeting, Linda. How do you like that?
The Science Behind Sex and Work:
As if “because it’s exciting and feels good” wasn’t reason enough, there’s actually science that backs up the work relationship theory.
A study this year from a research team out of Oregon State University surveyed nearly 160 couples and found that people who have orgasms daily are more likely to enjoy their jobs, have a healthier work-life balance and are far more productive if they have sex the night before. So, we can only conclude that you’re ultra-super-fucking-holy-wow productive if you’re having sex WHILE on the clock, right? How’s that for logic, Linda?
Sex is also proven to reduce stress and anxiety. Work is stressful and leaves us all anxious. Therefore, if you’re carrying on a romantic sexual relationship with a colleague, you’re both going to be less stressed out.
Goddamn, I love science.
How to Pull it Off:
Of course, what kind of jerk would I be if I told you to do something this risky without at least giving you some rudimentary tips on how to make things go as smoothly as possible. So, here are a couple quick rules to follow:
1. Try your best to keep feelings out of the equation, or at the very least, move slowly. The sex is the easy part. It’s those pesky feelings that tend to come along and muddle things up. Of course, a work relationship isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s generally easier to avoid issues without the attachment, unless you both think long and hard (lol) about it and decide it’s what you want.
2. Even if your job doesn’t frown upon relationships between employees (which is rare, by the way), it’s best to keep it hush hush. If you’re going to shit where you eat, make sure the shit stays on your plates only.
3. Be open and honest with each other. Like all good flings (and relationships), honesty and trust are key. Have an adult conversation with your partner about the risks you’re both assuming, what you’re looking for out of the arrangement and what the boundaries and rules are.
Other than that, wear a condom or whatever. That’s all I’ve got. Have fun, kids!
Photo: Getty Images/KatarzynaBialasiewicz