It has been well catalogued in these annals that women go gaga over a good love song. In a pinch, even a bad love song will do the trick; it seems that the art of crafting a semi-cohesive, somewhat sing-able song embodies “it’s the thought that counts”. With such a low bar for quality and such a high rate of return, the love song is the gift every guy should give at least once in every relationship; in the very least, it’s guaranteed to be cheaper and better-received than the other brilliant ideas you’ve had. 

 Think you have to be a super talented musical genius to write one? Think again, broham. All you need is a little ingenuity and a little bit more talent for borrowing other people’s stuff. 

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First, the melody.

The internet is amazing. It’s full of helpful things like how-to guides and pictures of naked chicks. Plus, there are about a billion ways to get free music, which is your first stop on the road to winning boyfriend or cheap fling of the month through the crafting of your very own love song. If you fancy yourself a songsmith, then by all means, Romeo, write your own melody using the three notes you learned how to play on the guitar 12 years ago. But if you want to really wow a woman, then just use someone else’s melody. One: it already exists. Two: it’s way easier than writing your own. And three: it gives your song that “I just made this out of macaroni but you’re going to display it on your fridge anyway because it seems like the most artistic thing I could muster at this point in my life” innocent quality. Women love that.

Instead of attempting to sing over Slash’s screaming, head to a midi site that gives you only the melodies with a little side of elevator-music chic. Pick one that speaks to you – you’ll get bonus points for finding one that your girl hasn’t heard before, since then you can just pretend you wrote it yourself, so try for European or something from ancient history – and commit it to memory. Better yet, find a friend who does have musical talent and get him to record the melody for you. Just be careful not to give him too many details or you’ll have to share the glory and risk entering dangerous, literary-inspired territory.

Then, the lyrics.

There are four basic love song sentiments. Start by choosing a theme:

          I want to get with you

          I want to stay with you

          I want to be with you even though you left me

          I want to tell you to eff off

(Probably don’t choose the last one, unless you’re feeling like you want to write a hate-love song that will allow your wounded soul to heal after a breakup.)

Then, again with the help of the so-very-helpful internets, choose one or two lines from five or six songs, inserting the correct name where appropriate. For example, courtesy of Journey, Chris Deburgh, Celine Dion, and Elvis:

Oh, {name}, you’re on my mind
My restless heart sleeps alone tonight
Right where I want to be.

When the world outside’s too much to take 
In your arms I’m found 
Here’s one promise I can make
It’s you and me

Some things are meant to be
So, {name}, I’m sending all my love 
Right down the line 
Take my hand, take my heart

With you I know I’m fine
When the world outside’s too much to take 
In your arms I’m found 
Here’s one promise I can make
It’s you and me

Some things are meant to be

… and so on. It’s SO EASY. It doesn’t even have to rhyme, it just has to go with the music. Sort of. You know, it might not even have to do that. The key is not to use well-known lyrics together (i.e., “I wanna hold your hand, I will always love you”), and to really sell it.

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Finally, a word on performance.

Unless you’re the next breakout star of Britain’s got talent, you’ll need to find something besides your crooning ability to distinguish your song from the sounds of animals dying. This is where you can really show off whatever raw, non-musical talent you might have, be it dancing, standing on pieces of furniture, hat-wearing, magic-trick-doing, or just looking cute. If you make an effort to give the performance of a lifetime, then your song will be a thousand times better received, so break out the sequins, gather a small crowd, and show off the goods mama gave you in an all-out aural assault that will not soon be forgotten. 

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