Coveted creatures, such as the long-legged, carefully-bleached blonde with endless access to various bank funds (and, more importantly, daddy’s bank account), might actually bless you by arriving in your life someday. When this happens, however prone to drooling you may become, try to keep your cool. These women are finicky, fortunate and heaps of fun – so long as you remain aware of what’s ‘kosher’ and what gets you kicked out of the country club.

DO Cook Her Dinner

Obviously, women who have a way of sweet talking their families or simply have unlimited ability to reach into their family funds have the privilege of eating out wherever they want, whenever they want. What they can’t buy with the bills stuffed in their billion dollar purses are homemade meals crafted with love and care from their less than rich boyfriend. If ever you feel inadequate and in need of a date that doesn’t cost you your year’s salary, cook up something special. This can be something as easy as pasta and chicken, as long as the presentation is touching (lit candles, little place settings, etc). In the worst case scenario of hopeless cooking abilities, order in and dump the containers into porcelain dishes. She’ll never know the difference.

DON’T Hate Her Little Dog

Many of these women have little companions whose chubby faces and scrawny bodies are smashed into those billion dollar purses. They yap when they’re forced to walk and dine on caviar and pate. These furry things (approximately the size of well fed rodents) are often your woman’s highest form of company and prized possession. For this reason, it is essential that you get along. If you hate dogs, do your best to cover it up by buying treats every so often and tossing them out generously to the fur ball. It’ll give off the appearance of your affection without requiring you to touch it that much. When the thing groans and yelps in the middle of the night, don’t sigh or groan yourself. Sit up groggily and offer your help. She’ll most likely say to go back to sleep, but you’ll have won worthwhile points.

DO Give Her Handcrafted Gifts

Once again, as with dinner, these women who have everything are touched mostly by messages of love manifested in charming, little crafts. For holidays, birthdays and various events, go with a handwritten letter accompanied by a painting, scrapbook, antique item (something creative and unique scavenged at a second hand store), etc. This, alongside dinner and excessive amounts of attention, will fully satisfy a woman who does not need to be wooed by someone else’s wallet. 

DON’T (Usually) Buy Her Jewelry

Unless you are in the mood to hugely splurge, have consulted her best friends and her current, most favorite jeweler, buying gems for a girl well-versed in wicked expenses is a dangerous proposition. You don’t want to end up ‘insulting’ her taste with your interpretation of interesting accessories. Women with bank accounts have bags of jewels and, better yet, a hefty investment in the integrity of various jewel sellers. Why attempt to fathom this realm of consumerism and risk getting cut when you could just help feed her diabetic dog its morning medication?

DO Know How To Dress and Where

Rich women do not always expect that their men be dressed in brand name designer clothing and big shot suits. On the contrary, many well off women appreciate a man molded to the shape of an adorable ragamuffin. If, for example, you are an artist or performer of any kind, continue to dress in your individual ‘street’ style, whether ripped jeans or leather jackets. If she is unhappy with your inventive ensemble, she’ll be the first to let you know. Simply be aware that when attending her public functions, family events and other prestigious gatherings, that you should shop your closet for the sleekest stuff available (i.e. simple blazers, nice blacks, classy assortments). She will want to feel that, though you are clearly cut from a different (um…less absurdly wealthy) cloth, you still stand out as a snazzy and intriguing man amidst a group of her own kind.

DON’T Talk (Bitch) About Money

Having grown up and been groomed by money, by money’s many benefits and within the cryptic circles created by money-handlers, rich women hate hearing about money from those who don’t have it. If she’s brighter than a fence post, she’ll already be capable of vaguely fathoming your economic situation and, most likely, forget about it. (Unless she’s stingy, she’s probably prepared to foot most of the bills). The most important thing is to contribute to the relationship personality, charm, attention and poise. This kind of priceless addition to her life is better appreciated than the dollar bills of spineless bastards she grew up dating at debutante balls. So, relax. Don’t beat yourself up verbally and publicly over your lack of funds. Don’t sweat the check. She was well aware when she met you that you weren’t Bill Gates and, so long as you’re not lazily traipsing around her apartment, jobless and bored, she won’t worry about your finances. It is more important to appear motivated, present and (pretty much) absolutely crazy about her (and her diabetic dog) than anything else. That’s all she really wants…and needs…from you

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