Don’t be completely blinded by looks. No matter how hot a girl you’re pursuing is, she may have certain personality traits or habits that are seriously not worth the drama. Most people deserve a second chance. Life happens, right? But if you recognize some of the traits below in the girl you’re seeing, you may be sampling a flavor of crazy and your miss could be your next MISStake. Save yourself the upset stomach and don’t go back for seconds.
Remember those My Buddy and Kid sister doll commercials? I’m humming their catchy song now. “Wherever I go, she goes.” Yes, it’s fun to eventually integrate your girlfriend into your life once you’ve developed a relationship. Sometimes it’s actually easier to find time to see your significant other by bringing her to events or errands with you. But you don’t have to spend every second together, especially early on when you first meet.
How to spot her: If you’ve only been on a couple dates and she is already asking for you to drive her to the airport, come to her weekly family dinner, meet her friends, go on a trip together, watch her favorite girly show with her, sit in the nail salon while she gets a manicure, or run errands together− it might be time to run the other way.
The Passive Aggressor
Sure, it seems nice at first when a woman avoids confrontation and doesn’t nag you for every little thing. We’ve got our mothers to nag us to pick up after ourselves or give us guilt trips, right? The passive aggressive woman often feels that you misunderstand her, are treating her unfairly, or are holding her to unreasonable standards. But, she won’t express this to you verbally. It’ll come out in other not-so-fun ways.
How to spot her: Avoiding responsibility, she pretends to forget what you asked her to do as a way of getting back at you−for what she thinks you have done to her of course. She’ll have difficulty trusting you. She’ll have sex with you but rarely make love to you and if she feels herself becoming attached she may back off and even withhold sex.
If you’re into a woman and you’re taking her out, getting attached, making future plans with her, do you really want to worry about her going out with and hooking up with other guys behind your back?
How to spot her: She may tell you what she is doing but she won’t use specifics like which friend she is going with and she won’t give you details on what happened after she gets back. She may not answer all your calls. Look for signs of defensiveness when you ask her about her night for example. She may make excuses forwhy she needs more time to herself or justify going out with other people when the two of you get into a fight. She may even start fights to make herself feel better about getting attention from other guys. She may also talk about taking breaks in the relationship instead of just committing or breaking it off.
This woman does not choose her battles. The relationship is her battlefield and you’re on enemy territory.
How to spot her: She picks on you for little things and tells you or texts you about them as soon as they happen instead of waiting for an appropriate time to talk. She also blames you for things she is unhappy about. For example, if you were out with her and her friends and wanted to leave early, she may start yelling at you when you get to the car and blame you for ruining her night. There’s no winning with this type of woman. If you choose to stay with a fighter, sometimes you may want to just tell her you understand how she’s feeling and let her vent and ask her what can be done to make it better. You could say, for example, “I’m sorry you’re upset we left early. I didn’t realize it was that important to you that we spend more time at your friend’s party. If it’s that important to you, we can go back but I’m really tired and want to go home if you don’t mind. In the future, please pull me aside and let me know you’d really like to stay since I can’t read your mind. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.” If you don’t want to worry about walking on eggshells with what you say to a fighter.
The Friend-Zone Fiend
This woman loves to hang with you. But, that’s it−hang. She loves the attention, having a partner in crime for her favorite activities, and having an ear when she needs to vent. But, she’s not planning on sleeping with you or dating you and it’ll be near impossible to turn the tables in that direction.
How to spot her: She invites you out to daytime activities only for more than the first few hang out sessions. She rarely makes plans with you alone. She sees you but not very often. She wants to talk on the phone a lot but not make plans often. She calls you last minute when she doesn’t have a date or other plans. She may still let you pay for her often and may even talk about other guys. Do you really want to waste your energy courting this girl when she’s clearly not taking the bait?
The Emotional wreck
Relationships can get complicated and bring out their own set of issues. Do you really need to bring someone into the mix that already has her own emotional issues? They’ll only contribute to more problems in the relationship.
How to spot her: She bursts out in tears in the middle of the night often. She’s always stressed and doesn’t seem to have much reason to be. She owns a lot of self-help books and has a therapist but doesn’t seem to read them and doesn’t agree with anything her therapist says. She constantly vents about issues to you but the conversations may be circular and the issues never seemed to be solved as she brings up the same thing many times. The emotional issues may bleed into your relationship as she may read into and be upset by things that you do that seem harmless. I’m not saying you shouldn’t get involved with a girl that may be a bit emotional or who has dealt with something traumatic. And. I do think self help books can be transformational. It’s really about how she handles the events that happen in her life and her attitude towards them and you. Make sure she’s emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship before you become a sounding board to someone who needs to work on herself before dragging someone else down.
The Drama Queen
We’ve all got conflicts and disappointments. It’s a part of life. But, for the Drama Queen, life’s little setbacks can trigger explosive emotional bursts and irrational behavior. She’s demanding, overbearing, and lives in a world of absolutes.
How to spot her: She overreacts to seemingly harmless incidents. For example, she waits on hold one day for 20 minutes for customer service and won’t stop talking about it and being pissy about it for the week. She’s got lots of “frenemies”, you know, her friends that are mostly enemies that she can’t stand. She may just get in a fight with one over something that never happened and drive over to your house in the middle of the night without notice to whine about it. Then she’ll get mad at you because you were sleeping and didn’t answer the door or phone when she needed you. Um, if anyone needs me at 3:00 in the morning it better be a major emergency. It’s a complicated web she weaves. Are you up for the nearly hopeless task of pleasing her?
Sure, you enjoy the attention of a girl that’s into you. But, there’s a thin line between a woman giving you attention and stalking you. If this girl is more into you than you are into her and follows your every move because she’s trying to and weave herself into your life, steer clear.
How to spot her: She follows your every facebook move and asks you about specific comments on your wall from other girls. She friend requests several of your friends without even meeting them first. She shows up at the bar you mentioned you were going to with your guy friends. She joins your gym and plays cheerleader at your kickball team to make sure you’re not flirting with other girls. She may even go through your stuff in your apartment. She’ll read into little things to mean big things. For example, if you mention you told your mom about her she may assume you want to get married and be together forever and she’ll start naming your babies. In reality, you might have just told your mom you couldn’t make it to dinner because you had a date without even mentioning her name or much else.
At first, you may be enamored with this girl and love that she doesn’t expect much from you or seem clingy. It becomes a chase to get her to go out with you and you see her as a prize you must attain. But eventually, you’ll realize that you’re wasting your time and energy as this girl is not ready to commit or give up any of her time or energy to you.
How to spot her: She may tell you she’s not looking for anything serious right now or she’s just out of a relationship. She may talk about an ex a lot. With “so much going on in her life right now” she’s difficult to make plans with, and even often flaking on your plans. One night, she’s having a blast with you but who knows when you can hang out with her again. When you ask her for plans or try to get close to her, she gets stressed out and says, “You’re moving too fast.” She may even return your calls with e-mails, texts, or facebook messages. Ugg. When she’s that unavailable, the more energy you put into her, the more she’s thinking about phasing you out.
Women love compliments right? Not always. The insecure woman is trouble. If you compliment her on one thing, she may think it means she’s lacking in another area. And this doesn’t just apply to physical attributes. She’ll translate her insecurities into the relationship too. So, without doing anything wrong, you’ll still manage to hurt her feelings and be a victim of her mind games.
How to spot her: She’ll ask if you think the girl across the room or in the movie that you’re watching is prettier than she is. She gets upset when you hang out with your female friends or when you don’t invite her to come with you to parties or events. You’ll get frequent “What you are doing?” texts and check-in calls. For example, if you hang out with her on a Wednesday and she doesn’t know yet if you’ll ask her out for the weekend, she may assume you are waiting to see if anything better comes up instead of trying to incorporate her into your life. You can either assure Miss Insecure that she is special to you and remind her constantly of how much you can’t wait to see her and how much you care about her. Or, you can find a woman who feels secure in herself and in relationships without all the extra reinforcement required.
Debra the Dating Diva is a LA-based dating coach and writer. When she’s not charming the men of Los Angeles, or hitting up the hottest social events and outdoor activities, she’s cataloging her dating adventures and giving men the inside scoop on what women want them to know at her website blackbookbuilder.com. Got a dating question for Debra or the ladies on her panel? Drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.