A brief celebration of athletes getting nuts.
No matter how physically powerful a man may be, he has a weak spot. Although the NBA has largely spared Draymond Green for his recent hijinks, they still remind us of noted ball busters of yore. The following competitors exploited below-the-belt vulnerability in the most unnerving ways possible. Feel free to read in a high-pitched falsetto.
Draymond Green vs. Steven Adams (Round 1), May 18, 2016
Driving to the hoop, the Golden State All-Star kneed the Oklahoma City center in the groin as he scored to give the Warriors a five-point lead in a game they’d win by 27. No foul was called on either player and it might have been forgotten if not for…
Green vs. Adams (Round 2), May 20, 2016
The next game, it happened again. This time, it was impossible to miss as Green high-kicked his way into Adams’ reproductive organs. Already trailing, the Warriors utterly imploded afterwards in a 133-105 loss that saw Green record fewer field goals (one) than crushed Adams’ testicles (two). For those who love creepy prop bets, if Green unleashes on Adams’ unit his next start, it’ll be the third straight game he’s done it, tying Green’s celebrated triple-double streak from earlier this season.
Dahntay Jones vs. Bismack Biyombo, May 19, 2016
The Cleveland Cavaliers came into the game seeming unstoppable, only to be dominated by the Toronto Raptor center with his 26 rebounds and four blocks. Enter Jones, who played under two minutes and did what he does best: piss off and/or injure opposing players, this time with a sneaky shot to baby Biyombo as time ran out on his team’s blowout loss.
Dennis Rodman vs. A Sideline Cameraman, January 15, 1997
It’s one thing to go after an opponent’s junk to get an edge on the court. It takes a special athlete to attack a penis just because it’s there. Hall of Famer/all-around trainwreck Dennis Rodman’s kick to a sideline cameraman resulted in an 11-game suspension without pay (over $1 million in lost salary) plus a payment of $200,000 to the cameraman. It didn’t bother the Chicago Bulls much (in the midst of winning three straight titles) or the Worm himself, who later said, “I could have done a lot of worse things than that… I could have punched somebody in the face.” On behalf of every man ever hit in the groin: I’ll take the face punch each time, Dennis.
“Mean” Joe Greene vs. Jim Otto, December 29, 1974
Bad things happen to groins in the NFL, almost always hidden from view. In particular, things get nasty under the pile of bodies in a pileup as even the NFL’s official site acknowledges: “Eye-gouging. Crotch-grabbing. Biting. Kicking. Punching. Choking.” Even when they’re on their feet, with 22 players it’s easy to miss a confrontation. That’s how Pittsburgh Steeler defensive tackle Joe Green got away with a crippling kick to the groin of Raiders center (and fellow future Hall of Famer) Jim Otto. The Steelers won the game and later the Super Bowl, meaning in addition to the injury, Otto had to deal with the insult of NFL Films’ John Facenda expounding on Greene’s 1974 excellence.
Brandon Prust vs. Brandon Marchand, December 5, 2015
Hockey sticks can be dangerous things, but wow is this horrifying. Frustrated his Vancouver Canucks were being destroyed by the Boston Bruins, Prust did a very bad thing to Marchand. Fined $5,000, Prust classily described it as “the best money I ever spent.”
Andrew Golota vs. Riddick Bowe I, July 11, 1996
This clip includes the entire fight between Bowe and Golota, at the time among the most accomplished and celebrated heavyweights in the world. Tense from the beginning as commentators discuss Golota nearly dropping out after an unexpected change in the number of rounds, you will quickly see two things: 1. Golota dominating Bowe. 2. Golota repeatedly smashing Bowe below the belt. Or just jump to 35:50 for the final (and disqualifying) Golota low blow, quickly followed by a member of Bowe’s team attacking Golota with a walkie-talkie before a full-on riot.
Golota vs. Bowe II, December 14, 1996
Hey, what are repeated punches to the child-creator and a riot between friends? Incredibly, the two fought a rematch. Again, Golota was the better fighter; again, things got insane. Golota mixed up his game with an illegal head butt before being disqualified just after 43:15 for a brutal three-punch combination to Bowe’s nads, forever earning Golota the nickname “The Foul Pole.” Also, tune in at 51:20 for an interview with dazed Golota co-trainer Lou Duva, who attempts to explain what the hell is wrong with his fighter.