Hey, you gotta’ get our grub on, right? But sometimes you’re short on time from sleeping one off and doing lunch/dinner up right can be a bit difficult. Don’t fret, Brotherfriend. There are many dishes you can whip up in a matter of minutes that actually won’t send you running for the can with a case of the violent squirts. We’re here to break down some of the tastiest dishes you can make in a matter of minutes.

Tuna Melt


Can of Tuna




Two slices of bread

Even an idiot could make this meal. Yeah, that means you. Throw down your slices of bread, open the can o’ tuna and mix in some mayo and relish. If you like your tuna on the sweeter side, toss in a spoonful of sugar…Splenda, for you calorie counters. A sweetner works wonders with the relish. Spread on the bread and then dump on some cheese — amount of cheese is up to you. Microwave or toaster oven will finish you off and you’ll be on your way to tuna melt goodness. Well under five minutes.

Accompanying Beverage: Tab

Bagel Sandwich




If you can cut a bagel in half (horizontally), then you can do this. For our money, the bagel has been shortchanged as a sandwich for generations. Especially if it’s toasted first. You can put almost anything in between and be a happy camper — some dudes choose turkey, some ham, and others go for roast beef. There is no wrong choice here. Because bagels rock.

Accompanying Beverage: Lemonade

Egg Surprise






Eggs built corporations like Denny’s, Cracker Barrel, and IHOP. You heard it here first. Those little ovals get eating-ready in about two minutes and with butter and cheese, you are almost there. We suggest adding some meat of the pork variety, but chicken and beef won’t kill the dish either. If you are a veggie dude, tomatoes and onions work for the mixture, and mushrooms jack the whole thing to another level. Egg Surprise is the best because it can be made by anyone — in any condition. Not that we condone being intoxicated at 6:30 am…more than twice a month.

Accompanying Beverage: Chocolate Milk

BBQ Spam


Can of Spam

Baked beans


BBQ sauce

Slice up the Spam into slices (about a 1/3 of an inch), then fry them up in a skillet. Getit brown on both sides. Dump in some barbecue sauce — enough to cover the Spam — and let it simmer. Then toss in the baked beans and some onions. It’ll be like an orgasm in your mouth. And it’ll take you mere minutes.

Accompanying Beverage: Some brew!

Grilled Cheese


Two slices of bread



It was tasty when we were seven-years-old and it’s still tasty today. If you can put some cheese between bread and drizzle some butter on it, then you are the top chef of…bread and cheese. A toaster oven or skillet is the preferred method, but a microwave will do in a pinch. Now, to get all philosophical on your ass, the choice of cheese can make or break your Grilled Cheese. American cheese is the most popular pick, but Cheddar and Colby are making a run at the top cheese prize. Just FYI.

Accompanying Beverage: Vodka

Pizza Crackers





Think teeny-tiny-pizzas. You start with crackers, either Ritz or Triskets are the best. Slap a pepperoni on each and dump some cheese on them. Thirty seconds in the microwave or a minute in the toaster oven will get you where you want to be. If you are feeling fancy, you can add onion and mushrooms. But that may just be crazy talk.

Accompanying Beverage: Red Bull

PB and J


Two slices of bread

Peanut Butter


The Rolls Royce of quick meals. This is a sandwich no one on earth would kick out of bed. Slap peanut butter on one slice and your choice of jelly on the other. Grape, strawberry, peach, apple, apricot, etc. The jelly is up to your preference, but steering away from the traditional strawberry or grape might be the best choice. You’re then ready to indulge, but if you have a spare minute, toast it up in a toaster oven. Trust us. It makes all the difference.

Accompanying Beverage: PB & J goes best with a nice bordeaux