Ever get an invite from your honey to an “amazing weekend away” only to find out that, wah wah… her parents are coming too?

Well, that doesn’t have to be the ultimate letdown. After all, stealth sex can be kind of hot, right?

Here are five practical tips for getting dirty under cover.

1. Assess the situation
When committing to covert ops style sex, think about how far away your girlfriend’s parents are. Are they headboard to headboard through paper-thin walls, close enough for you to hear a discussion about the latest colonoscopy? Are they on another floor but directly above or below you? Are you crashing in the living room under a couple of throw blankets? No need to take unnecessary risks. Figure out how much of a sound barrier you have and wait till it’s late enough for people to be asleep. Once they are, it’s time to decide where it’s going down.

2. Choose the location
I have yet to encounter a bed frame that doesn’t make at least a little noise or floorboards that don’t occasionally creak. If you’ve got the thin wall scenario going on, or you’re sleeping in your girlfriend’s dead grandmother’s antique bed, you can always attempt a one or two pump trial, but if it protests, you are one hundred percent fucking on the floor. If you’ve got the safety of a long hallway to work with, the bed isn’t a terrible option; just realize you can’t go full steam ahead.

3. Assume the best position
Your choices are going to be limited based on where you end up. If you’re lucky enough to be in bed, cowgirl or a lazy spoon are going to be your best options. Girl-on-top is less downward thrusting, which makes less noise, and spooning sex can sound less like the deed and more like people innocently shifting their weight in the bed.

If you’re on a couch or the floor, get creative! On the floor, go for standing doggy style, where your partner can either lean on something stable or, if she’s a yoga goddess, balance herself and reach for her toes. This position can be painful for some women depending on how big you are so play around with it. She can try lifting one of her legs or bringing her feet closer together. If you’re feeling brave, you can go for classic doggy, just be mindful of your knees. Throw a couple of pillows down for padding, and don’t hit missionary on the carpet without a blanket or she’ll be covered in rug burn.

If you’re on a couch, sitting reverse cowgirl or cowgirl are both options. In reverse, not only will you be able to manually stimulate her but dismounting will be quick and easy. In both cases, avoid completely undressing, just in case. Slip the boxers down, pull the panties aside, and you’re good to go!

4. Muffle the moans
Part of what makes secret sex exciting is the possibility of getting caught. The stakes add to the exhilaration and it can get really hot. Regardless, keeping your moans minimal is crucial to a not-totally-awkward breakfast with your girlfriend’s parents the next day. You can help her sounds stay soft by giving her a pillow to bury her face in, or even offering your hand for her to bite or cover her mouth with. Keep your breathing controlled and set the tempo; you’ll be surprised how effectively you can guide another person with your breath alone. As for dirty talk, best to keep that under wraps. Unless you’re whispering directly in her ear, leave that for the privacy of your own place.

5. Enjoy the moment
Knowing someone’s parents are nearby can definitely put a damper on the mood, so if you’re going to commit to surreptitious sex, you’ve got to put in the effort to relax into it. Be aware of how loud you’re being while simultaneously allowing yourself to let go enough to get off. Be present and think about how hot your girlfriend looks or how it feels, rather than whether or not her mother is reading a romance novel in bed.

Oh and one last thing: No spanking! Good luck explaining that noise in the a.m.

Photo: iStock/Thomas_EyeDesign