As a talk show host and dating coach for The Art of Charm, I speak to thousands of guys every year who entrust me with their deepest fears and insecurities. One of the most common, by far, is that women will think a guy’s bad in bed.
If you’re a two-pump chump, can’t get it up or think “labia” is a country in Africa, they’ll find out pretty damn quick that you can’t take care of business. But what’s more disturbing? A woman can tell a guy’s hopeless long before you glimpse her undies—and that can actually prevent any action from even happening.
Art of Charm coach Kim assumes a guy will be bad in bed by how he moves. Quick, jerky or nervous movements show plainly that “he’s not comfortable in his own body, and won’t be comfortable with mine.”
Fix it: The quickest solution is exercise, especially a masculine sport such as boxing or MMA. If you don’t enjoy getting punched in the grill repeatedly on a daily basis, go for Crossfit—it totally changes how you move, increases body coordination and obliterates stress. Say goodbye to nervous, jerky movements and say hello to a new body type and level of fitness. As an bonus, most Crossfit boxes (gyms) are jam-packed with hot, fit women.
You’re grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc. Our girl Andrea, 27, tells us, “the yard shouldn’t have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it.” If you’re verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that you’re probably going to be a pretty sterile, unimaginative lay.
Fix it: Get over it, bro. Sex is sometimes down and dirty. The more you learn to dig that, the more comfortable she’ll feel letting her guard down around you both on the streets and between the sheets.
Think “I don’t know, what do you want to do tonight?” That kind of wishy-washiness hardly impresses Leyla, 26. “When he leaves everything to me on a date, it leads me to expect that he’s going to be the same way in the bedroom, and women don’t want that.”
Fix it: Man up and plan a date. It doesn’t have to be perfect—just putting forth the effort goes a long way. Quick tip: invite her to something you’re already planning on doing. “Hey, have you been to the Chinese Market downtown? Some friends and I might check it out this weekend. They’ve got all kinds of unidentifiable things that you can eat. Feeling adventurous enough to join us?” The added benefit is, if she flakes, you’re not stuck sitting around. For more date-planning tips, click here.
Problem: Bad Touching
This is one of the top complaints women have about men regarding foreplay and sex. It’s something that even many experienced guys get totally, horribly wrong. Emily, a sexologist and friend of The Art of Charm, explains that she “has to like the way his casual touch feels. If I unconsciously tense up and pull away from his touch, I listen to my body. Also, if he touches me too much or not enough, I can tell he won’t know how to please me when things get more intimate.”
Fix it: Your touch should be natural, and escalate from friendly to something more over time. In other words, the exact opposite of the ultra-common mistake—not touching until you’re trying to “make a move.” Also, don’t look at the area you’re touching or call undue attention to it, which will creep her out big time. All this requires practice. Learn more here.
Problem: Lack of Adventure
Saying things that make you sound boring in the sack is unforgivable. Among the worst blunders is being judgmental about other people’s sexual proclivities. Katie, 29, was turned off when a guy expressed a bit of revulsion about a past sexual exploit. “He basically labeled himself a dead cow in bed when he told me that the last girl he dated was ‘kind of a freak’ because she wanted him to pull her hair. Sorry, but almost every girl I know loves that at the right time. If he thinks that was weird, I’m going to have to teach him everything, and it’ll probably fall on deaf ears.”
Fix it: Keep an open mind, and, if you can’t, shut the hell up. The saddest part is, the poor schmuck in the above example was probably just testing the waters to see if Katie would be into it—he just handled it all wrong. The best way to introduce something new, by the way, is to gently give it a try while you’re in the act and go from there. Just, maybe don’t bring out the handcuffs right away.
Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach. He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company. If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com. You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.