Move on if you’ve heard them
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and “do it” for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he’d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.” The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
My employees gave me this one
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that’s brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that’s co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
A doctor at a college campus is giving free physicalls for one week only. Early in the week a girl comes into his office, and the doctor asks her to remove her shirt. The girl proceeds and the doctor immiedietly notices the girl has a large A in the middle of her chest. The doctor asks how did you get that A on your chest. The girl responds by saying that her boyfriend goes to the univeristy of Alabama and when we make love he likes to keep his lettermans jacket on. The doctor finds this rather strange, but just shrugs it off. A little later that week he sees another girl and when she removed her shirt the doctor noticed a large I in her chest. The doctor asks how did you get that I in your chest. The girl tells the doctor that her boyfriend goes to the university of Iowa and when we have sex he likes to keep his lettermans jacket on. The doctor than begins to wonder if all college students keep their lettermans jacket on during intercourse. Even later that week another young women comes in and removes her shirt. Sure enought there is a large W carved into the womens chest. The doctor quickly asks, let me guess your boy friend goes to Wisconsin, the girl replies no, my girlfriend goes to Minnesota
Three men are captured my cannibals. 1 German, 1 French, and 1 Amercian. the chief said, “Due to our holiday, I shall grant each of you 1 wish, then you get whipped 30 times on the back, then you can go.”
The German says, “I want a pillow strapped to my back.” The chief agrees, straps a pillow on the German’s back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 10th lash, the pillow gave out and the German walked off crying.
The French say, “I want 2 pillows strapped to my back.” The chief agrees, straps 2 pillows on the French’s back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 20th, last, the pillo gave out and the French walked off limping.
The chief says to the Amercian, “Since you are from a great country, I shall give you 2 wishes.” The Amercian says, “Thank you. For my first wish, I want not 30 lashes, but 100 lashes.” The chief says, “Not only you come from a great country, you are noble to, what is your last wish?” The Amercian replys, “Strap the frenchman to my back.”
A guy in the hospital was taking a series of tests and had a personality of making false alarm trips to the bathroom, he then one day had a big diarrhea on his sheets, he then paniced and jumped up and curled the sheets to a ball and hucked them out the window, there was a drugadict who was walking around the property when the sheets fell on to him and started waving his arms, yelling and cursing until the sheets were at his feet, a security gaurd who watched the incident asked “what the fuck just happened” the drugadict replied “I just beat the shit out of a ghost”
~Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”
“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”
“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”
“Three? When were they?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”
“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”
and one more
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”