Guys, do you ever have that moment when a new relationship goes bad (or fails to materialize in the first place) and you think to yourself, “What did I do wrong?” Though I can’t say for sure—let’s be honest, guys have a history of saying and doing some seriously stupid things—there are a few common male habits that send a strong, “Don’t date me” signal. Next time you’re trying to snag a lady, try curbing these 10 unattractive tendencies in the process.
1. Touching yourself in public. Listen, we get it. You have this…urge. But, the fact of the matter is, you’re not a caveman, you live in a civilized world, and you’re supposedly a civilized person. So act like it and control those damn urges in public—and, seriously, while you’re hanging with us at home, too. It’s highly unpleasant to sit next to you on the couch while you have your hand fully down your pants. I’m sure you have more than enough alone time for self-fondling.
2. Being completely incapable of empathizing. Ugh, you men and your feelings, or lack thereof. I’m no idiot; I know that most guys will never be as sensitive, or as emotional, or as romantic as women. Fine. But if you’d like to be in a successful relationship, ever, you need to learn to empathize. Whatever it is your lady is upset about—an annoying coworker, a catty friend, an overwhelming to-do list—show her you understand, and you feel what she feels. Otherwise, you’ll just come off as an ass.
3. Thinking “men’s rights” are a thing. Almost anytime a women’s rights issue comes up in discussion, there’s at least one douchebag guy who feels the need to stand up and idiotically ask about men’s rights. “We’re people too, you know.” Yes, we know, which is why your gender has had every advantage over women since the dawn of time. Sit down.
4. Spitting and snot rocketing in public. I understand the occasional need to spit; I’ll admit even I’m forced to do so while I’m running (I dunno, something about saliva building up from the workout? Someone feel free to explain it to me). But it’s out of necessity, and I do it as subtly as possible—and you should, too. Meaning: not while you’re walking to work, or out running errands, or on a date (seriously, if you’re spitting on a date, you need to get your shit together), or pretty much anywhere that’s highly visible and public. As for snot rockets? These are never necessary. Guys, meet tissue. Tissue, meet guys.
5. Gaming. This might be tough to hear, but, gaming is. not. cool. I’m not talking about the occasional addictive phone game (who didn’t succumb to the forces of 2048 or Candy Crush?). I’m talking about those weird, fantasy world (or war, or whatever it may be) games that invite you to create an alter ego and wear a headset and trash-talk pimply teenagers around the country. The ones that take up all your time when you could be, I don’t know, breathing in fresh air or building real relationships with real people. Just stop. Please.
6. Leaving the toilet seat up. I know, you’re rolling your eyes. This is quite possibly the most cliché complaint about men, and the one you hear the most. But there’s a reason for that. It’s fucking annoying. Imagine practically falling into the toilet every time you go to pee. That’s what we go through because of your laziness. And while we’re talking about pee…if you’re one of those guys who just doesn’t put the seat up to begin with and instead somehow completely misses the rather large bowl and leaves a mess in your wake instead… you’re no better. Wipe the seat. Put it down. It’s that simple.
7. Playing hot and cold with your feelings. What is it that causes you to pull out all the stops when you pursue a woman, only to turn into the iceberg that sank the Titanic when she shows even the tiniest amount of reciprocal feelings? And then, of course, become a romantic puppy dog the second she gets over it and stops paying you any attention. If it’s some sort of game your buddies, or the “Bro Bible,” convinced you would work, just stop now. It doesn’t. It makes you seem fickle, immature and evil.
8. Having disgusting nails (and hands). Yes, nail polish is “girly.” But taking care of your nails is not. Nail files and nail clippers and hand lotion and, oh yeah, soap, are universal. Use them.
9. Acting like a baby when sick. Seriously, what’s the deal with that? I understand that nobody is unbreakable (except Louis Zamperini, of course), and that if you sustain some awful injury or have a real illness, you might need some help and support. But when you turn into a whining, helpless shell of a man every time you get a cold, it’s, well, annoying. Take some Nyquil and call me in the morning.
10. Calling us crazy. No matter what, do not ever call us crazy. Never.
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