Women, like me, have picked up on a disturbing trend. Despite the fact that selfies are most associated with our gender, we’re seeing evermore manufactured man-selfies (or melfies) online. No, really. An investigation of over 2,000 people revealed that men share more selfies than women, and are much more likely to edit photos before posting. Which is mildly disconcerting because another study found that prolific selfie-takers are more prone to psychopathic tendencies and narcissism, and that notorious Photoshoppers self-objectify and -obsess by prioritizing appearance before character. Plus, melfies are, well, douchey. And the following 10 varieties turn us off big time.
1. The Selfie Timeline: This is a collection of selfies—an evolution of selfies, even—perhaps showing off your beard growth before the big shave-day from prepubescent boy to wildebeest, or something of that nature. Sorry, but we want to envision you as neither a prepubescent boy nor a wildebeest, but as a handsomely groomed adult human.
2. The Pubically Conspicuous Shirtless Selfie: Yes, the shirtless mirror melfie intensified with deliberately exposed pubic hair. You’re showing off your “V,” which is a glorious thing, but your pubes are TMI.
3. The Car Selfie: You’re throwing up a deuces or Snapchatting yourself singing along to a throwback by Sir Mix-a-Lot, Neil Diamond or Haddaway, because you’re the funny guy. But what you should be doing is focusing on the road, before you end up the guy we’ll never want to copilot.
4. The Low-Angle Selfie: Photo angles seem to be one of those things that men just don’t understand, but those who do are universally held sacred. So understand this: Low angles are not flattering. And when we hand our phones to you and you shoot us perfectly, that’s when we smack our friends and whisper, “He’s a keeper.”
5. The Pic Stitch Overload Selfie: Pic Stitch is reserved for birthday shout-outs. Those who use it otherwise are deemed highly narcissistic. All that a Pic Stitch collage of your face says is that you couldn’t decide which filter made you look best, because they were all too damn great.
6. The Middle Finger Selfie: I’m just not sure why this is a thing. You’re already offensive, and you’re not quite the man we want to bring home.
7. The Tinder Moment Selfie: The Tinder Moment selfie is not only an unsolicited photo imposed upon us, but also confirmation that we’re not the only one you’re hitting up. We get it—it’s Tinder—but we don’t need the reminder. Sending the same melfie to possibly hundreds of other women with captions such as, “Who’s down for the D tonight?” tells us you don’t care whose V, and that doesn’t make us feel wanted. Turn. Off.
8. The Any-Dating-App-Ever "This Could Be You" Selfie: You know what I mean: the selfie you have with another woman (sometimes scribbled out with a sad paint job—we can still see her) that is captioned with something like, “This could be you,” or “Insert your face here.” If we want to be there, we’ll find a way, but we’re not so sure that’s where we want to be.
9. The Cuddle Selfie: You’re closing your eyes because you’re so sleepy and cuddly, except you’re not sleeping because you’re awake. You’re awake and you’re awkward.
10. The Gym Selfie: One would presume you’d have better stamina and look good naked. But one would also presume you don’t because, rather than hitting the weights, you’re stationed on the stretching mats snapping mirror pics.
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