If you don’t know, Etsy is an online marketplace where independent shop owners sell unique, handmade gifts. It’s great for birthdays and Christmas and God bless the military wives that showcase their products on it, but some of the stuff is just really, really weird. Like the following…

1. Erotic Minion Lingerie: Yup. It ships worldwide from the Ukraine, it’s handmade from acrylic yarn and it features a mucus-yellow Minion on the crotch. And it’s all yours for fifteen dollars.

2. This Mug That Says, “I Work Out, Just Kidding I Breastfeed”: I don’t get it either. The bottom is coated in glitter, all the better to “show off your super power.

3. A Real Chicken Foot Back Scratcher: The description says they “make for a real conversation piece!” Coated with a layer of polyurethane for protection, this real chicken foot claw back scratcher will satisfy every itch your dermis desires. One review describes the product as “strangely beautiful.”

4. A Walking Cane Made Out of a Real Bull Penis: Yes, this exists. It’s a taxidermy bull penis that’s been stretched out and cured with a metal rod in the center. And wouldn’t you know it’s handmade by the people who brought you the chicken foot back scratcher?

5. This Knife that Says “Butter My Butt And Call Me a Biscuit”: Can’t find a housewarming gift? May we suggest this rather cheeky artisanal butter knife? To be applied after using no. 9 on this list.

6. A Painting Made of Human Blood: Maybe it’s your type—or maybe it isn’t—but either way, you have to admire the heart behind it. The 8×10 painting is made from real human blood and ships worldwide from the United States.

7. A Necklace Made From a Human Tooth: Properly sanitized and cleaned, the human tooth that hangs around this necklace came from a 1940s Coast Guard cadet! Keep in a safe, dry place and floss twice a day.

8. A Lady Gaga Voodoo Doll: Dressed in the seashell outfit Ms. Gaga wore to the VMAs, this tiny, threaded voodoo doll comes in regular doll form or keychain. You know, in case you want to cast voodoo on your favorite Grammy-award winning artist on the go!

9. A Spanking Paddle that says, “Daddy” in Embossed Cursive Font: Made from genuine Italian cowhide, this embossed spanking paddle ships from an Etsy store in the United Kingdom called The Leather Laboratory. For only 102 dollars, it can also be yours!

10. A Vial of Soil from Orlando, Florida: If you have ever found yourself thinking, “Wow, I wish I had a decorative vial of dirt from central Florida,” then this product is made for you. Unfortunately, it does not come with GPS coordinates of the soil’s origins in Orlando, so you could be purchasing a vial of dirt from the gardens of Disney’s Magic Kingdom… or a milliliter of Casey Anthony’s backyard.