As the old saying goes, “the clothes make the man.” What you wear says a lot about you, and while while you may not give a damn about your wardrobe, women do. Whether you want to make a fantastic first impression or clean up your closet, here are some not-so-subtle hints about what we’d like you to burn (or trash, or donate) immediately.
1. Ill-fitting suits. It doesn’t matter if you’re built like John Goodman or Jon Hamm; women love a man in a perfectly-fitted suit. Men’s suits aren’t meant to be bought straight from the rack, anyway, so take advantage of the free or low-cost tailoring available at nearly all menswear shops and burn your drapey, baggy suits. We're talking to you, too, Mr. Trump.
2. Branded boxers. Like Guinness or Homer Simpson boxers. Unless it’s a subtle Hanes logo on the waistband, it’s time to let go of any undergarments with characters or branding. Oh, they were your lucky boxers in college? That makes them even more yucky today.
3. Cargo shorts or pants. We get it. Cargo shorts have so many pockets! They can hold beer! But unless you’re looking for a girl who wants to play hacky sack before the Phish show (and that’s totally cool if you are!), it’s time to get yourself some slightly less utilitarian pants—most of which still have four fully functioning pockets.
4. Sporty sandals. Unless you’re hiking along river rocks on the reg, you probably don’t really need Tevas or Keens or other weird sneaker-sandal hybrids. Sporty sandals are just not sexy. Can’t you just make do with hiking boots and sneakers when you do outdoorsy stuff?
5. Baggy t-shirts. We know we look sexy in oversized men’s shirts, but to be honest, you don’t. Your t-shirts should all fit snugly. If you can’t wear it comfortably under a button-down shirt or sweater, you shouldn’t wear it at all.
6. Anything with holes. This should be a given, but for some reason you guys really like to hold onto clothes with holes—especially socks and underwear. But seeing your big toe poke out of a sock or spotting a hole in the crotch of your boxers can really ruin the mood.
7. Anything with stains. This, too, should be a given. Do you have undershirts—or worse, dress shirts—with pit stains? Whether it’s sweat or mustard, if your clothes are stained, and you won’t spend the time or money to get those stains out, it’s not worth keeping.
8. Promotional t-shirts. There may have been a time in your life (college) when promotional t-shirts were acceptable clothing options. But that time is long gone. Get rid of any logo-ed shirts you got for free because you tasted a shitty beer or signed up for a credit card. (While you’re at it, toss any tee that reads, “Trust me, I’m a doctor,” “Kiss me, I’m Irish,” etc.)
9. Contrast-cuff button-down shirts. These shirts scream, “I don’t have a great sense of style but this was expensive so I thought it was nice!” Plus, if your shirt is the most interesting thing about you, you’re doing something wrong. Instead of mixing multiple patterns in one shirt, focus on something more refined that fits well.
10. Jeans with pocket embellishments. We don’t really need to tell you why these are horrible, do we? They are horrible in so many ways. The bedazzling, the ornate stitching. Plus, they’re probably boot-cut. Do you really want to walk around with a bedazzled ass and bootcut legs? Because we really don’t want you to.
11. Square-toed dress shoes. Just because companies are still making square-toed dress shoes does not mean you should still be buying them. But we’re willing to bet the ones you have are from the '90s, anyway. They’re usually stiff and shiny, and when a business magazine quotes someone calling them “douchey,” you know it’s time to let them go.