You had your fun in college. Now it's time to stop drinking crappy beers. Pour yourself a good micro brew from Vermont or Colorado and take a few lessons here. If you're 25 or older and drink any of the following beers, you're simply stuck in the past. You're one of those hangers-on. All your friends are talking behind your back and speculating about when you'll get a job and get on with your life. Some are even placing bets. It may also help if you stop crashing on the couch of the fraternity house and get a real apartment, you deadbeat.
Milwaukee's Best. Milwaukee has produced some nice things, such as the Violent Femmes, but don't give this sinister little city too much credit. The devil moved into town in 1849 to entice the nation with the most abominable beer imaginable-Old Milwaukee. Some experts contend that this horrible brew was even warned about in the Bible. If you enjoy gagging and even puking before the point of being drunk, this just may be your beer.
Keystone Light. Rejected Coors. Do you need to know any more about this god-awful drink? Coors Light, in its superior condition, is watered-down piss water. When something goes wrong with the flavor or color, the company bottles it as Keystone Light. The only thing worse than this Colorado beer is that some states sell a special version that contains no more than 3.2% alcohol.
Budweiser. This beer was cool in your college days. After 25 years old, however, don't drink it. Everyone seems to pretend that it's a good beer, at least when they're too loaded to know otherwise. It does get you wasted, after all. If you're going to drink Budweiser after your prime years, take a trip to Canada to do it. Canadians get a whole different version that is right up there with the finest microbrews.
Busch. Busch is about as wack as the president it was named after. OK, so the beer was not actually named after a president. In fact, it came many decades before the oil guys hijacked America. Who knows what it was named after, and who cares? One thing that is certain about Busch is that this beer is just horrible, more so than any president.
Schlitz. Holy Schlitz, this beer is bad! Who cares that it's a high-proof malt liquor? It produces so much foam that you'll hardly be able to drink much of it anyway. You may drink this beer with impunity if you're either a Texan, a teenager or a punk rocker. Otherwise, grow up and drink something of higher stature. Schlitz is just wrong.
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