You may recall a little story Made Man posted called 5 Beers No Man Should Drink After 25. Based on the response, we decided to apply the same reasoning to mixed drinks. And having tended bar at all manner of establishments, and taken all manner of embarrassing orders, I am qualified to opine on this subject. Still in college? Keep downing the drivel. Waving goodbye to bro on your way to man? Take these kiddie cups off the menu.
1. Any Iced Tea Drink: This listing includes but is not limited to Long Island Iced Teas, Long Beach Iced Teas, Tokyo Teas, Adios MFs and whatever other four-spirit monstrosities today’s youths have conjured up. The days of trying to get as drunk as possible, as quickly and as cheaply as possible, should be over by now. And few drinks are as capable as these at being bright, shining, neon-colored beacons to the world saying “I'm cheap and have no taste. I hope you are too."
2. Jägerbombs: Generally speaking, if you're over 25 and still have aspirations of frat boy drink-a-thons, at least try to disguise it like bartenders do with a Cynar bomb or a shot of Fernet. That way people think you've got some class.
3. Shooters: I think you get the theme by now. Purple Hooters, Jolly Ranchers and Gummi Bears belong to a world you are no longer a part of. Let go. Note: Were I to make a list called The 5 Most Emasculating Drinks a Man Can Order, these would jump straight to top.
4. Vodka + Energy Drink: Has there ever been a more disgusting way to sneak narcotics past your tongue and into your system? Either man up and get something worth tasting or pop some pills and order a lemonade. By 25 you’ve become a G.A.M. (Grown Ass Man). Now drink like one or face the alternative; slowly turning into that creepy old guy hanging at the club with his fancy shirt. You know, the one with the gaudy print inside the cuffs and collar, sipping on what? This drink.
5. Choose Your Own Ingredient Drinks: The worst of the worst. All the prior drinks are ordered by guys who just haven't taken the next step in drinking and need a push. But when a guy orders a “Goose and soda with a splash of cran, but shake it... and two limes... in a rocks glass” he’s clearly trying desperately to look cool while having no idea what he’s doing. It’s the worst kind of douchebaggery, where you think you're coming off sophisticated and superior. I can tell you for a fact no hot female bartender will be impressed, either.