“How did I get involved with this crazy chick?” Do you often find yourself asking that question? If so, you may need help ID-ing the psycho ladies—who as Barney Stinson knows are often hot—before it’s too late. Fortunately we are in your corner, gents. Soon, you’ll be screening out the nut jobs so fast you’ll actually have time for women who don’t keep you up at night worrying about your house getting burned to the ground, Left Eye Lopes style. Most women aren't (truly) crazy, and it's always the bad apples that taint the bunch. Armed with these warning signs, you'll be poised to bite into only what's good for you.
1. She wants too much contact. Look, we get that when you’re first dating it’s fun to stay in close contact. You want to send lots of texts, hear each other’s voice a lot and generally be disgusting to everyone around you. Still, she needs to respect that you have things to do other than talk to her. Whether you’re at work, running errands or just out with the boys for a night of debauch, you need your “you” time even when things are just starting to get hot and heavy. Watch out for women who call, text or email you ten times an hour while you’re at work. If you’re getting tons of messages asking why you aren’t responding, you need to question whether you are falling for a nut job. Attention whores are insecure and dangerous. She is not your real-life manic pixie dream girl. She has borderline personality disorder and needs medication.
2. She can’t handle her booze. Does she get totally obliterated every time she has a drink? Does she then start crying hysterically, yelling and/or sharing too much personal information? Even if this is coupled with sexy behavior—like getting really flirty and whispering dirty things in your ear—none of it bodes well for the long term. Apply this to any other substance while you’re at it. Including Cherry Nyquil.
3. She lies. A lot. Lying is a big one, and for reasons that may not immediately come to mind. If she lies about things that actually matter that’s bad. If she lies about inconsequential things, that’s potentially even worse. You have to ask yourself: Why would she say she went to the grocery store when she was really at her mother’s house? What type of person does that? Generally speaking, the type of person who lies about everything and anything without thinking a lot about it. And that’s not exactly a quality one seeks in a reliable partner.
4. She hates her parents. Listen, no one gets along perfectly with his or her parents. You might not even like your own parents very much. But a big part of being a mature and sane adult is trying to accept their faults and treat them decently. “My mom is such a bitch,” sounds a little silly coming from a teenage girl. Coming from a grown woman, it’s downright batty. Unless her parents were locking her in a basement for days on end while making her memorize Bible verses as a child, she probably doesn’t have a reason to truly hate her parents. If she does, she’s probably nuts. Bounce.
5. She’s an attention whore. Attention whores—i.e. girls who change their Facebook profile pic to a new, posed shot every five minutes—are insecure and dangerous. We just needed to say that in totally explicit language so that it’s totally clear to you. She is not your real-life manic pixie dream girl. She has borderline personality disorder and needs medication. Give her a call when she gets out of therapy.
6. She has no female friends. She’s not “one of the guys.” She’s the crazy kook no girl wants to be friends with, and that guys tolerate because her body rocks and she seems cool until you scratch the surface. It’s only a matter of time before she boils your pet rabbit and leaves it on the stove for you.
7. She’s inappropriately hypercritical. Having someone on your ass all the time is merely unpleasant. Having someone screaming at you in public is approaching the realm of mental illness. The first time it happens, you have two options: Have a talk with her about how “it’s not you, it’s me” or just cut her off completely. There is no third way, so don't bother asking.