We live in interesting times, dating wise. Once upon a time you dated people you knew or your friends knew or Diddy introduced you two and he was like, “Tell your friends to get with my friends, and we can be friends.” Now we do it all online, which is fine. And since you basically ordered a date on the web, why not order these products to keep at her place, too? They are all cheap, handy and sure to bail you out of a jam or two.
Barbasol Shaving Cream: Currently on Amazon Prime, a bottle of this classic goes for about a dollar. It’s smooth with a nice aloe-y feel and, best of all, it’s cheap. If you guys break up tonight you will have zero regrets about leaving it behind.
BIC Comfort 3-Blade Razors: Here are four razors with three blades for two bucks. Keep the pack at home. Leave a 50 cent-razor at her house and then, when it’s time to change the razor, you can decide whether you two are ready to re-up.
Toothbrush: C’mon, guys. I asked the female human being editor about this and it was her first pick. Brush when you get up a little too early to pee and, when you get back in bed, you’ll be the most considerate guy she’s ever let stay the night.
Comb: Nothing says, “I showered at some girl’s house” like showing up to work smelling like freesia and cantaloupe with your hair brushed out all bushy.
Jar of Coconut Oil: Maybe you’re not ready for the big 54-ounce jar, but after I spent a week in Malibu one time I—the New Yorker who wears a leather jacket all summer—finally understood my crunchy friends’ love for this stuff. It’s excellent on all skin types. It’s the best for giving massages. You can cook with it. It’s the jar that keeps on giving.
The Spray That Shall Not Be Named: Listen carefully, because we are never going to talk about this again. Under cover of darkness you will slip this under a sink or in with the cleaning products in the bathroom. If she has roommates, let her assume it’s theirs. It’s unlike most sprays that leave the room smelling like the bathroom at a BBQ joint. And, the morning after you go out for BBQ and stay up all night drinking Scotch, you will thank us.
Big Knife: The brand does not matter, you just need a regular big, sharp knife—a sign of how masculine chef-dom has become in the post-Bourdain world. Every man my age was raised by a dad who can’t make mac and cheese and, yet, somehow has an opinion about Wusthof versus Henckels. If you’re gonna prove to her what a great provider you are, or at least make the next guy look like Mr. Bean Goes to Culinary School, you’re gonna need a blade.
Aveeno SPF 15: Take care of your face, guy, she has to kiss it. You can use this bottle as full-body sunscreen or keep yourself from getting burnt ears when you take her to a baseball game.
Bottle of Old Man Scotch: OK, this one isn’t on Amazon, but it’s equally necessary. There’s a great Mad Men scene in which divorced Don Draper goes back to the empty suburban home he shared with his ex wife and reaches into a high cabinet to pull out a bottle of Canadian Club. In good times and bad, every man needs a secret stash of whiskey.