Nine out of 10 manbuns shouldn’t be manbuns according to the statistic I just subjectively made up on behalf of women everywhere. Yes, ladies love them, but you gotta do it right, and most men don’t. If you fall into any of the following categories, it’s time to give those scrunchies back to your sister. (Somehow all the examples are jocks—go figure.)
You’re tying too low: Clay Matthews is an attractive man, but once he slicks his greasy blond hair back into that low bun, he transforms into my sixth grade softball portrait doppelgänger.
You’re tying too high: Joakim Noah gets it right. Iman Shumpert, on the other hand, does not. Do not put you bun on the top of your head like some sort of modern day samurai. Keep the party in the back where it belongs.
Your hair isn’t long enough: Guys, size does matter. If your hair isn’t long enough to pull it off, don’t. You are only entitled to one polarizing hairstyle at a time, so quit trying to tie your fuckboy fade up into a bun.
Seriously, your hair isn’t long enough: Wouldn’t want all that hair to get in your eyes.
We aren’t kidding: Onions make people cry.
You’re balding: OK, the photo is a bit hyperbolic, but if you are the victim of a receding hairline, nothing is going to draw more attention than a man bun. It’s just going to emphasize your suspiciously large forehead.
You’re all over the place: Just because you can throw your hair up doesn’t preclude you from grooming responsibilities like hair brushing. Consider this a PSA that the only man on the U.S. Men’s National Team allowed to have a bun is Graham Zusi.