The proverbial gold digger can many times be spotted from miles away, like a tornado churning in the distance, destruction its only goal. However, some high-maintenance hotties can be considerably more difficult to spot, ready to hang in there for the long haul, maybe not even fully aware that they are gold diggers. Then there’s the lady who became one along the way, now fully prepared to leave since your corner-office job just came to an abrupt end. Don’t be a victim! Watch for these unmistakable red flags…
1. Unwarranted Oohs and Aahs: If there’s a big production every time you pull out your wallet or signal to a bartender that it’s on you—her stroking your arm, simultaneously cooing over muscles that might not even be there—you just knowshe’s spoon-feeding your ego, and it could even be partly your fault, depending how you’re holding yourself. Wallets shouldn’t elicit oohs and aahs—even if it’s made out of a snake you killed and skinned yourself while on holiday.
2. She Can’t Get Enough of Your... Stuff: If this girl is singing your praises like you pay her to, and the majority of the singing involves material things, you’ve got trouble. If she’s showing pictures on her phone to her girlfriends and they’re all giggly and staring, and you’re just sure it’s some shirtless, fresh outta the tub shot, or maybe even your manhood, only to find out it’s your car, or pool, or stainless steel appliances, you’re a marked man.
3. Her Last Boyfriend Served in the Nixon Administration: She’s 23 and absolutely gorgeous, busy fending off guys the same age, who look like Calvin Klein models no less, but can be seen around town with a man three times older, with a 44-inch waist and a watch that looks like it could get a small country out of debt. Daddy issues may be in the mix as well, but cash is king, and a gold digger wants to be a queen.
4. Lackluster Gift Reactions: If your idea of a thoughtful birthday gift is that quaint pin she noticed at an out-of-the-way boutique from that weekend you went to a B&B… you, sir, are a catch. Sadly, to a gold digger you’re something else: a cheapskate. The woman who unwraps something sweet and exclaims, "Stop joking. Where is it for real? Outside?" Tell her it is. Then go outside, get in your car and drive away. Fast.
5. Spends Your Money Like It’s Hers: When your tab comes at the end of the night and your girl went loco buying for all sorts of people, or proffers a “We got this” or “It’s on us” while, say, 10 of you are dining out, and the "us" is basically just you... she may as well wear yoga pants with “gold digger” written across the backside. And if you go along with all of it while pretending she likes you for you, get a pair for yourself—except with the word “sucker” on the back.
6. Pumped for Info: If the first time you meet her she eschews cutesy flirting in favor of asking what you do for a living, how extensively you’ve traveled, what kind of car you drive—basically quizzing you on tons of stuff that is all about sizing up your bank account—it’s a tell. Now, you may go along with it, if only for that night to end spectacularly, but keep in mind: The gold digger rarely gives it up right away. Not even close.
7. Outta Your League: I’m not a huge believer in anyone being out of anyone’s league, but if she is lovely and sets her sights on your raggedy ass, with your non-existent social circle, same two friends since grade school, but your start-ups got you rolling in dough, don’t you think maybe—just maybe—something might be up?
8. No Such Thing As Staying In: Does she view a night on the couch, Netflix and chilling, unimaginable? Especially since there’s something going on somewhere that all sorts of people are going to be at, and she thinks it’s of the utmost importance that you two be among them? Gold digger alert! If she’s always using the word “networking” in an effort to get you to some ribbon cutting, or just in general, you’ve got yourself a high sign, son!
9. Rude to the Help: Are so many people that the two of you encounter on a regular basis treated as beneath her? Zero eye contact with anyone in a job that she may perceive as “lowly”? Waitresses getting their heads bitten off, orders barked at valets (and it’s not even her car), the guy holding the guest list someone who “shouldn’t even need to check?” You’ve got more than a gold digger on your hands. You’ve got a monster.
10. Always Asking for “Loans”: It starts with complaints about not being able to make her rent, or her car being a piece of shit (hint, hint), or needing a new dress for some party. If you don’t take the bait on any of that it can—and probably will—turn right into a straight-up request for a loan. Fill out the sugar daddy application! And if you do it—dummy—and don’t say the words “a loan implies I want it back and I don’t,” then you’re gonna get the boot in a bit anyway. Sigh.