If there’s one thing you wear that emits immediate signals about who you are as a man, it’s your watch. Your timepiece tells women a lot more than just, well, the time. Most women will notice it immediately and, as soon as they do, they'll start making assumptions. How do you ensure they'll make the ones you want them to make? Read on and choose wisely.
Chronograph Dive Watch: Waterproof, tons of tiny chronographs and other bells and whistles, this type of dive watch works underwater up to 10,000 feet, even though the deepest water you’ve been in lately is a four-foot-deep swim-up pool bar. What it Says: “I fancy myself a sporty raconteur, even though I have a boring corporate job.” Reserved for: Guys who want to live an adventurous life, even if they rarely do.
Retro Digital Watch: The first digital watch that was considered cutting edge in the late ’80s/early ’90s looks antiquated compared to today’s smart watches, but that’s the whole point for anyone who wants to wear this one. What it Says: "I drink kombucha, love Stranger Things and get overwhelmed easily. I’m probably gonna ghost you.” Reserved for: Hipsters.
Apple Watch: A smaller version of the phone you have constantly affixed to your hand, but hey, you can get your text messages on your wrist! What it Says: "I spend all of my money on gadgets I don't need or understand. At some point in our relationship, you’ll find yourself standing in line with me at an Apple store at 4 a.m. waiting to buy a new release." Reserved for: Apple geeks and tech nerds.
Slim, Low-Profile Dress Watch: The opposite of a Chronograph Dive Watch, the dress watch is simple, typically has a plain face, and will look just as good with jeans as it does with a tuxedo. What it Says: “I have a 401K, a five year plan and an innate ability to handle your mother when she’s being difficult.” Reserved for: Marriage material.
Jewel-Encrusted Watch: A watch with a face the size of a hubcap and encrusted with jewels (whether they’re real or fake is up for debate)—it’s flashy and ridiculous, just like its owner. What it Says: “Our weekend nights will be spent up in da club, and our weekend mornings will be spent recovering from said up-in-da-club shenanigans. I order bottle service when I really can’t afford it.” Reserved for: Rap stars, wannabe gangstas or former Jersey Shore cast members.
Very, Very Expensive Watch: A Rolex, Omega, Breitling, Blancpain—any watch with these names on the face says one thing and one thing only: “I’m very, very expensive.” What it Says: "I'll be picking up the check, but get used to being ignored at dinner while I'm answering—just one more!—work email." Reserved for: Men who either have an impressive disposable income or a dead grandfather with good taste.
No Watch: A bare wrist is rarely a good sign on a man unless he’s in a pool or helping someone deliver a baby. What it Says: "I'll be at least 15 minutes late for everything and make you feel bad for being annoyed about it." Reserved for: Immature dudes who think their phone is a fine substitute for a watch and who probably won’t ever buy you jewelry.
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