Yes, women do look at your shoes, but in 2018, no clothing item or accessory says more about who you are as a man than what’s wrapped around your wrist. We all judge, and the minute a lady spots your watch, she’ll begin to draw conclusions about your style, your life and, frankly, your worthiness as a mate. Want to make a winning impression? Read up on some popular types of timepieces below, and pick yours with care.
Blingy Watch: With a face the size of a hubcap and a lining of (real or fake) jewels, it’s flashy and ridiculous. What it says: “Our weekends will be spent up in da club—and recovering from said up-in-da-club shenanigans. I order bottle service when I really can’t afford it.” Reserved for: Wannabe gangstas and Jersey Shore vets.
Smart Watch: A smaller version of the phone that’s constantly affixed to your hand, but hey, you can get your text messages on your wrist! What it says: “I spend all my money on gadgets. At some point in our relationship, you’ll find yourself standing in line with me at 4 a.m. waiting to buy a new release.” Reserved for: Tech geeks
Indestructible Watch: You know, one of those shock-resistant yet stylish chronographs endorsed by military badasses and rugged outdoorsmen alike. What it says: “I’m quite at home in a boardroom or bar, but say the word, baby, and we can be hiking Machu Picchu or kiteboarding Borneo tomorrow.” Reserved for: Adventurous gentlemen
Retro Digital Watch: The 8-bit video game system of watches, once cutting edge but now ironically vintage. What it says: “I drink kombucha, love Stranger Things and get overwhelmed easily. I’m probably gonna ghost you.” Reserved for: Hipsters.
No Watch: A bare wrist is rarely a good sign on a man unless he’s in a swimming pool or helping someone deliver a baby. What it says: “I’ll be at least 15 minutes late for everything and make you feel bad about being annoyed by it.” Reserved for: Immature dudes who probably won’t ever buy their girlfriends jewelry.
Photos: blingy watch, Getty Images/Royalty-free/vasiliki; smart watch, Getty Images/Royalty-free/Yuri_Arcurs; indestructible watch, courtesy of Casio; retro digital watch, Getty Images/Royalty-free/Science Photo Library; no watch, Getty Images/Royalty-free/Eric Audras