If you want to party like it’s 2016, it’s so onnnnnnn! Her name is Rio, and…you know the rest and it’s a dumb song, but what we’re doing here is not dumb. It’s a smart service to men everywhere. Rio is certainly the spot to be in a mere 6 ½ years, but it’s actually a great spot to hit year-round. It has a lot to offer gentlemen who are throwing caution to the wind and also those who are just looking for eye candy, a couple of drinks, and maybe a few minutes with a prostitute. It’s Rio, Baby. The Vegas you never knew.
Many unassuming (read, dumbass) Americans seem to think that Brazilians speak Spanish…or Brazilianese. But actually, they speak Portuguese. Not that this will have any effect on you since you don’t technically have a grip on the English language yet at the age of 30-ish. However, to put yourself in a position of not being the idiot foreigner, pick up a pocket Portuguese for Dummies book and whip it out whenever you are at a Rio Starbucks. Who knows, you just might find yourself bedding a Brazilian barista because you knew how to order a café com leite (latte).
Bonus Tip: Say “ vá se fuder“ to everyone you see. And may you rest in peace.
Let Me See That Thong
Brazil is known for hot chicks, waxing the crotchular region, and dental floss posing as bathing suits. Get prepared to see some ass. We’re not talking gross Myrtle Beach ass or disgusting Euro-trash, pimply behind. This will be some premium, etched-by-God caboose framed by a t-shaped sting. The thing to do is not be a gawker. Nobody likes that guy. Specifically, the police. Prepare yourself by perusing your neighbor’s Victoria’s Secret catalog on a daily basis. Just make sure he doesn’t catch you going through his mail.
Bonus Tip: Wear some thongs around the house just to get an idea…naw, don’t do that. That’s just weird.
There’s a lot of drinking to be done in Rio, but you need to make sure to deviate from your norm and sample the local pleasures. Margaritas and Mai Tais are popular, so you can start boning up on those at your local shit-hole — with Stan the town lush — before your trip. But when you hit Brazilian soil, the Caipirinha is a definite must. It’s basically lime, cachaça, bull semen (just kidding), and sugar over ice. Cachaca can be bought in the US, but hasn’t caught on like say, Dr. Pepper. It is also used to flavor coffee and marinate certain meats. Finally, there is a purpose for your granddad’s moonshine other than inviting premature blindness.
Bonus Tip: Rio has now implemented a stricter DUI policy than the US. So, suck it up, Sailor.
No, not the nightclub made famous by the shitty Barry Manilow song. This is the real thing: the best beach in the world. It’s a must if you are in Rio because it has over 4 kilometers of beach and said beach is filled with honeys in barely-theres. There are tiki bars on the sand, live music, and a constant breeze. Rumor has it that there are complimentary massages every Tuesday by smoking hot chicks. Yeah, we’re never leaving.
Bonus Tip: The multitude of prostitute clubs just off the beach have a $5 cover charge. For what it’s worth…
Feel The Beat
The people of Rio just gotta’ get their groove on, so when in Rio, do as the…Rio’ins. The Samba is the dance of choice and trust us, you want to be involved because chicks wear little and like to shake it like a Polaroid picture. Almost all the dance clubs rock, but some of the best to hit are Melt, Bunker 94, and The House Bar. Be prepared to have some booty thrust at you. Get ready for your Rio trip by taking a dance class. Or at least learning to control your seizure-like moves.
Bonus Tip: There’s a dance club called Help in Copacabana that is crawling with pros. Nice.
Don’t Get Kidnapped
Rio is the unofficial kidnapping capital of the world. And they wear it with a badge of honor. Unfortunately for you, they especially prey on the out-of-towners. The best way to not get nabbed is to prepare yourself. While it is not possible to buy a suit made of pepper spray — yet — it is possible to stay in an extremely crowded area 24/7. Alerting the local police of your whereabouts is also a good start, although they might be involved, too (if you believe the movies). Our suggestion is to travel with a group, never sleep, and declare that you have leprosy to everyone who comes near you.
Bonus Tip: Cover yourself in Vaseline. It’s almost impossible to catch a greased pig. So we’ve heard.