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Ladies love a well-groomed man. Unless those ladies are not well-groomed themselves.

We don’t worry about those ladies.

We are men, and while we know that skipping a shower or two won’t kill us, we also know that a man has to look his best always because opportunity could strike at any moment. For yourself, and for the ladies, always remember to…

Trim the hairs
All of them. Upstairs and down. Although we recommend different scissors for each. We’re nauseated by the nose and ear hair growing out of the old man taking tickets at the movies, so your girl will be just as grossed out by one tiny hair growing out of those places on you. Because women notice EVERYTHING. Do yourself a favor and trim up once a week to keep the weeds in check. Remember to hit the eyebrows and don’t neglect the nether-regions.

Freshen the breath
Some of us were born with candy cane freshness on our breath, while others smell like a traffic tunnel. The problem is, the halitosis carriers usually don’t know it, so you might be one of them. Err on the safe side, and brush with the strongest stuff you can find. We’re talking illegal stuff you have to import from Mexico. Stuff that kills lab rats on impact, but makes a man’s breath smell like the Doublemint factory. Follow up by flossing, mouthwash and gum. In fact, keep gum on hand at all times. Be consistent and she’ll never know your smelly secret.

Dab a little cologne
This is a tightrope. You want a little man scent to invade her nostrils, but splashing on too much could kill a few billion of her brain cells. Pop a little on one finger and hit each side of the neck, then same technique on the chest, and if you’re really feeling like tonight will be the night, pop some on your upper thighs. You’ll be the perfect mixture of man and roses.

Take care of the back and chest
You have to know her tastes before doing this. Some gals like a little back hair (none that we know personally) and some like a man rug on the chest. However, there are just as many out there who like the sheen of a hairless chest. If you know her preference, go with that. If you don’t know, go halfway. Trim the chest hair short, but get rid of the back hair. Who do you think you are anyway, George “The Animal” Steele?

Oxycute them
If you are still struggling with zits well into adulthood, you have to jump on those. Scrub, put on medication, bathe in rubbing alcohol, whatever you have to do to rid yourself of pimples. Puberty was eons ago. Grow up and send those things packing. She’ll thank you for it. Or at least not break up with you for another week or so.

Clip your nails
No, this isn’t a set-up for a Last Tango in Paris reference. You need to keep those nails looking like you just stepped out of the spa. Same with your toenails. Sure, it’s every woman’s fantasy to have a leg severed by her partner’s talons during sex, but then the police report becomes a hassle. Keep those weapons clipped.

Don’t be callused
This applies especially to you gents who work with your hands or are on the go a lot. Calluses may not bother us, but the years of lotion that have given your girl her silky smooth skin can be undone by your meat cleavers running up and down her body. The best thing to do — as unmanly as it might make you feel — is to keep lotion on your hands. If your feet are the ones with the shards of skin sticking out, go buy special soles to protect your dogs. If you already have calluses, clip them with nail clippers and apply lotion. They’ll disappear almost overnight. For the especially hardened, you can use a pumice stone or one of these nasty devices.

Pucker up
Keep the lips from looking like Death Valley. Being that we enjoy the occasional cocktail or three, dehydration tends to spilt the lips open. That’s why we always keep a roll of chap stick on hand and apply liberally. Get a manly stick so that you don’t look like the type who regularly moisturizes. Your lips will soon look as smooth as a baby’s bottom. Wait, it just got weird, didn’t it?