Halloween is approaching and the kiddies are already telling their ghost stories – or at least Macy’s is already displaying Halloween-themed items. And who doesn’t love a good scare? We’ve all laughed at the Mummy yarns and gave a wink, wink – nod, nod while telling about the man with the golden arm, but what about the real deal? Yeah, the real life/or most-likely-made-up/definitely fake, stories about the creatures behind that bump in the night.
They’ve scared the bejesus out of us since we were tykes. Let’s now meet them face-to-face.
Sometimes known as Werecats, or Wereleopards – which is a dorkier version of the monster — these half-man/half-beast monsters have been striking fear in our hearts for centuries. The story goes that when the moon is full, these bastards turn into a human-beast and go on a killing spree. How does that alibi hold up?
How To Defeat It: Silver bullets and/or timeless vampire-human love.
The name literally means “goat sucker” – which is what we call the janitor in the building. But we’re pretty sure he’s not a Chupacabra. These vile creatures of the night are mainly found in South America, although some sightings place them as far away as Russia. They are small and compact, but will tear into you like at contender at a Michael Vick-sponsored event. (What, too soon?).
How To Defeat It: Rat poison (seriously)
And then you can stuff it!
Yetis are basically Ice Sasquatches (or is it, Sasquatchi?) that are still being ‘spotted’ to this day. They have been rumored to lay in wait under the snow until their human prey stops for a breather right beside them. Then, as soon as you pop open your thermos full of Campbell’s, they pounce and use your limbs as pretend helicopters blades. Nice.
How To Defeat Him:
This dude is known for his hook of a hand and for his love of hacking up teenagers, college kids, or even philandering adults getting it on in their cars. While no one has ever seen his (or her) face, they have told of his massive hook and his long cloak. So let this be a lesson to you: always get a motel room when you hire a hooker.
How To Defeat Him: Drive away from your sinful, sinful intentions.
Hooked on a feeling (read: big, metal hook).
Lock Ness Monster
Nessie may not be the scariest on the surface, but we’ll be damned if you find us taking a dip in that drink. It’s a dinosaur-looking beast that lurks in the murky waters of Loch Ness — so it’s convenient that it is named the Loch Ness Monster. The sightings are still happening to this day, but no one has ever been able to get up close and personal with it. No one that lived to tell about it, at least. Also, there are murmurings that it might be a gigantic, prehistoric eel which is just endlessly more creepy than it being a Plesiosaur.
How To Defeat Her: Enlist The Hook-Handed Man
Real or not, he scares the hell out of us. Some people feel sorry for him because he didn’t ask to be created — welcome to our world — and he is also kind to animals. We say those people are asking to be pulled to pieces by this one man draw-and-quartering machine. The scariest part of Frank? As hard as you run, he will still catch you just by walking briskly.
How To Defeat Him: Use a violin
Vampires, or more specifically, Dracula, are a combination of many different legends. Vlad the Impaler is the main source of these stories for his (gross) blood drinking ways. Nothing was scarier as a kid than knowing there might be a bat hanging in your closet waiting to turn into a dude with fangs and a long cape in order to suck the life out of you. And the doctor said the bed wetting was just a faze.
How To Defeat Him/Her: Wesley Snipes