A little word of warning: When you text one woman, you can safely bet that you’re really texting at least three women.

See, for a lot of women, texting is not a two-way street; it’s a goddamn six-lane highway with a lotta u-turns, intersections, closed roads ahead and little indication as to whether or not you can actually make a right on red. In other words, your text goes on a journey and her response drives in circles before it catches up to you. Expect that your message will be screenshot and forwarded to her college roommates from all corners of the country, her high school friends—and often on to their college roommates, maybe a few close coworkers, some soulmate of a chick she met one time traveling to find herself, maybe even her mother. Not always… but not not always.

Let’s break it down in four scenarios based on real-life interactions: the “hey” text, the booty call, the dinner date proposition and the coffee date suggestion. These handy roadmaps will guide you through what actually happens to her phone when you shoot her a probably mindless message.

1. The “Hey.”
You send a simple, honestly pretty subpar greeting along the lines of this:1

She consults the group chat with a screenshot of said subpar greeting for analysis. The peanut gallery chimes in:unspecified-1

unspecified-2

a

She separately texts one of the group members outside of the chat for venting, validation purposes:2

She impulsively replies to your subpar greeting, despite deterrence from the group. 3

Feelings of betrayal kick in, so she makes the girls aware that she did indeed respond to your lame text:b

She starts to question her life decisions and entire moral being. Again, she individually texts one group member for venting, validation purposes:c

2. The Booty Call.
You hit her up to hang late-night (any time after 10 PM):1

She confers with the group chat about your presumed ulterior motives and malintent:unspecified-1

unspecified-2

She individually asks one group member for reassurance that the group is probably just being overdramatic, life will all be okay and, by God if not, that they’d get through it together:3

She relays to the group what she plans to say. They provide meticulously worded input:unspecified-4

2

She says something completely off-plan back to you:unspecificed-3

3. The Dinner Date.
You ask her to dinner:dinner

She immediately tells the girls, even though she doesn’t plan to respond to you for three hours times the number of days it took for you to ask her out:unspecified-1

(Yes, we wing-woman by sometimes shoving each other into you “by accident.”)

unspecified-2

2

She rolls her eyes at at least one typical one-upper comment and seeks agreement from someone else in the group chat:jessie

She comes back to the group for advice on a potential reply she had in mind:4

She then replies back to you, trying to play it cool as per her friends’ instructions:friday

She looks to the girls for their weekend plans before confirming with you. They have absolutely none, but advise otherwise:b

She straight up lies to you:c

You sent a goddamn GIF. Upset, she second-guesses with the group one more time:d

4. The Coffee Date.
You simply ask her to grab a coffee:1

She asks her friends why in your right mind you’d propose such an idea. They demand photos and think up all imaginable explanations and logical grounds for a daytime date:unspecified-1

unspecified-2

2

She fakes enthusiasm.coffee

Her friends continue making perverted jokes, eventually at your expense.cream