By: Ian Sobel

So, you say you want to be a nobleman. You’re tired of banal titles such as “Mister” and even the hackneyed “Doctor.” They’re not securing you the upper-echelon of the female persuasion, the VIP reservations at the exclusive dining establishments, or the complimentary portable navigation system with your Hertz rental car. It’s time to acquire the prestige that you so greatly deserve. The prestige befitting a man who thinks, walks, talks, acts, and craps like he’s royalty. Well, unless you’ve got a time machine that can break down, transfer, then reassemble you, your buckets full of cash, and your invention for restructuring genetic code, there are only a few options to retain a title of nobility in present day.

Pull an Aladdin

Like the titular character in the animated film, use the same crafty skills you’ve sharpened while stealing loafs of bread from farmer’s market carts to steal the heart of a noblewoman. Impress her with your sword fighting techniques, your mischievous monkey (no, not that monkey), or maybe buy her a drink. You’re going to have to pull out all the stops and don the confidence of a man with a much larger bank account, but there’s no better exercise for a future prince…or dare we say KING?

Once you’ve proven to the noblewoman that you’re worthy of her companionship, it’s time to go to work on the noble family. For your sake, let’s hope dad is dead and mom’s ruling the kingdom. Bring a nice bottle of wine and some chocolates to dinner. Queens don’t take kindly to Two-Buck-Chuck and Charleston Chews, so you might want to splurge on something a tad more sophisticated. During the meal, mind your P’s and Q’s. Always say, “Please,” “Thank You,” and “Of course I’d love to try on your jewel-encrusted crown, that is if you don’t mind.” Snap a picture of you wearing the crown. It’ll make for a sweet Facebook profile photo.

After you’ve impressed the family, lock that noble piece of rump down. Splurge on the ring. Three carats at least. Take out a loan if you have to, as you’ll be able to dip into the royal jewels soon enough. The princess will say yes, a lavish wedding will follow, and once you have that marriage certificate in your hand, hold on to it like grim death. No one’s going to take your newly granted title away from you. No one!

Pull a Bono

Also known as, “Pulling A McCartney, Pulling A Sting, or Pulling A Spielberg.” Basically, you need to render some seriously important services to society to get an honorary knighthood from the Queen and add “Sir” to your name. Music seems to be the way in more than film, so we recommend you start a band. An awesome one. A band that’s sure to sell out stadiums, win numerous awards, and influence generations for years to come. It sounds easier than it is.

You’ll want to find some members who possess that certain…je ne sais quoi. After all, a lead singer is only as good as his supporting players. Find that one dedicated guy who practices guitar (real guitar, not Guitar Hero) in his basement five hours a day. He has to shred licks like no one’s business, but make sure he’s not too good. You don’t want the Queen waving her sword over his head and not yours. Then find a Phil Collins-type drummer (Phil is also a knight) who can beat the toms and sing simultaneously. But again, check his skills and his loyalties. He mustn’t suddenly have the desire to move out from behind the drums, take over as lead singer of the band you started, and make it more popular than it ever would have been with you at the helm. Sorry Peter Gabriel (not a knight). We still think you rock.  (Ed. Note: Sleeeedgehammer)

Now write some songs that resonate with all the colors, races, and creeds of society. Songs about love, loss, overcoming adversity, and streets that have no name. It may take you a few months, or maybe even years, but use your intense desire for nobility to fuel your passion to create music that inspires. Warning: the shallow nature of your endeavors may affect your attempts, and the content’s soullessness could cause your demise rather than your success.

Pull…Out a Credit Card

Why not just buy the noble title of your choice? They’re available online and all you need is money you’re willing to waste. Well we shouldn’t say waste. You do usually receive a hand signed letter patent and a certificate of authenticity with an impressive gold seal. You can be a Baron, like the pizza guy, a Count, like the vampire on Sesame Street, or even a Duke, like those wily scoundrels from Hazzard County. And your title will hold about as much clout as those fictitious characters’. The best part is though once it’s all “official” you can add it to your driver’s license. So the next time you get pulled over for doing 80 in a 35 zone, you can scoff at the policeman’s lame “officer” title and make him fully aware that he’s addressing a Duke.

Pull a Penguin

It’s simple: be a penguin. Apparently Scotland loves to grant noble titles to flightless, Antarctic birds. Nils Olav, a 3-foot tall penguin at Edinburgh Zoo in Scotland was knighted by British Maj. Gen. Euan Loudon on behalf of Norway’s King Harald V. Now we must address a penguin with a knighthood badge on his flipper as “Sir.” Well I can tell ya one thing, I ain’t doin’ it. I have problems calling Bono “Sir,” let alone a penguin.