There comes a time in a lot of our lives when we just have to break it off with the girl. Who cares about the reasons why we are dumping her, it just has to be done. Unfortunately, we all know that awful scene. The crying, the begging, the anger, the whole hormonal hurricane. We’ve had to deal with it before and we dread it more than a trip to the dentist. Well, now we can thank God for wonderful, wonderful technology. Because of computers and cell phone advancements, we can avoid the crazy break up and still get to break up. Win-win all around. Well, except for your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.
Obviously a logical format for you to use in breaking it off would be e-mail. It’s easy to use and you can log on in seconds. If you feel compelled to explain the reasons why you are ditching her, an e-mail affords you one of the best ways to wax eloquent for several paragraphs. Present your reasons and mention her good qualities to soften the blow. You can even work up a flow chart or Power Point presentation to attach to the e-mail which could visually aid her in understanding your decision a little better. Also, a bonus with e-mail accounts today is the ability to block incoming mail from people you don’t want to hear from. You know, like a whiny ex-girlfriend you broke up with through e-mail.
What better way to tell her it’s over than by inviting her to be your ex-girlfriend? Everyone loves to be invited to something and feel included. Evite now lets you select colors and themes for the invitation, so look around for a clever background and a kickass theme. Something that goes with the occasion, so hearts, balloons, and bright colors are probably things to stay away from. And don’t forget to list the time and date so she will know when your split will be completed. Since you are doing this in order to not see her in person, the location should be left blank. Unless you want to get clever and list the location as planet earth.
Since many computers come with web cams these days, making a video and posting it online is quick and easy. Making a video of yourself telling your chick you are breaking up with her gives you the opportunity to say the things you want to say directly to her — but not having to be there to face her. Skype wouldn’t be the way to go because then she can talk back to you and you’ll be forced to deal with ‘all that’. Just make a talking head video — that’s just a shot of your head and shoulders — and post it to YouTube or another video hosting site. Then send her a link to the video to pull the trigger on your plans. If you really want to step it up, drop in some music and after effects. Because that’s how you ball.
If you want her to hear about the break up in real time, choose Instant Message. There are several choices for IM out there — AOL, Google, Yahoo, etc. — you just have to make sure she uses the same service. It also may take a little coordinating since she also needs to be logged in to her IM account at the same time so you can whip up a quick little “it’s not you, it’s me” for her. And she will get it pretty much instantly. Sprucing it up with emoticons would be a classy move, too. Because nothing says classy like a little smiling emoticon in a break up IM.
Social sites are still all the rage on the internet and your future ex probably has an account on every social site out there. Chicks are like that. This is a good thing for you because of the numerous choices you now have to break up with her. Simply changing your relationship status to ‘single’ on your account could be a great way to give her a clue you no longer want to be with her. You can also send her a personal message through her account. But if you’re the bitter sort and the break up has been long coming, posting on your site for all of your friends to see will probably guarantee she won’t try to win you back.
Texting has not yet replaced talking as mankind’s main form of communication, but it soon will. Texting lets us say a quick line or two and get our message out to someone via phone without having to actually talk to them on the phone. Applying this to your break up lets her know you are purposefully avoiding talking to her, but you still care enough to let her know that she is no longer going to be your girlfriend — instead of just ignoring her until she gets the idea. We suggest sending the text when you know she will be at a wedding or a movie in order to minimize her desperate or angry texts back to you. Those are just annoying and uses up valuable texting minutes.
If you want to put some serious work into this break up, build yourself a website or find a good web master to build one for you. Then dedicate that site to your break up. It should have a catchy name like www.iambreakingupwith_______today.com — or something along those lines. And as an added treat, you may be able to make a buck or two off of the site by selling banner ads. By adding a blog to your site, you can make frequent updates about your break up, talk about the time line leading up to the moment, and some facts about your lady. When the site gets up and fully functioning, reset her computer’s home page to your site. Now that’s how you break up with someone — as psychotic as it may seem to the outsider.