Times, they are tough. But if you are like us, you’d rather go without food and shelter than your precious beer. Luckily, with a little effort and a store-bought beer making kit, you can have make your own delicious concoction and have some dough left over to still pay the rent. Or at least keep Skinemax unscrambled for another month. Making beer is a process and you love beer. So get to learn the process. Every home kit is different, but here is the basic overview.

Get Clean

In all the research we’ve done, the experts always reiterate that you clean your dishes/equipment very thoroughly before starting the brewin’. While this seems like a no-brainer to us, we also know that many of you are secretly trying to set a record for consecutive days without ‘washing up’, so we figure we need to mention it right up front. Use bleach and metal cleanser — you know, the stuff that will dissolve a cow carcass in under 12 seconds. We figure that’ll be enough to rid your beer of the swine flu.

Secret Tip: White vinegar rocks a solid clean.

Become a Tea Bagger

Beer is grain-based, so get yourself a mesh bag (cheese cloth will do) and lot it up with grains. It’ll need to steep in 2-4 gallons of water for over 30 minutes. The temp should be 150 degrees and you will want to let the bag drip after it’s done marinating. You are then supposed to kick the whole brew up to a boil and add malt extract. We’ve been told malt balls won’t do the trick, but try some if you’re feeling lucky.

Secret Tip: Avoid squeezing the bag. For obvious reasons.

Blow on It

As quickly as the shit got to boiling, you will need to get it cooled down. Suggestions are dropping the entire vat into a pool of ice water and stirring it with a witch’s titty. Okay, we made that last part up, but you do need to get the mixture down below 80 degrees. At that point, you will need to switch it over to a fermenting container. For reasons we pretend to understand, it is best to slosh the mixture around a bit when dumping it into the fermenter. It adds to the flavor. Like that matters after we have had five 40’s.

Secret Tip: The brew at this point is called wort. Use it in a sentence to sound smart.

Get a Yeast Injection

If your masterpiece is not at five gallons, add water to get it there. Then add some yeast. This process is called pitching. Specific yeasts requiring different things, such as some require to be mixed with warm water first. This will depend on what type of yeast you buy…you know, at the yeast store. There is also the danger of buying dead yeast, which makes for a flat beer. So make sure you ask for the non-dead yeast and the yeast instruction manual when buying the stuff. This is all common sense, really.

Secret Tip: Yeast for Dummies…it’s required reading.

Pack It Up

You’ll need to wait about a week before bottling the beer, but what do you have to do anyway? Most kits will require you to put priming sugar into the bottles to help with carbonation, so get that boiled up and ready if that is the case. Then use a plastic tube to transfer the deliciousness into bottles…preferably not the same tube you use to siphon your neighbors gas. There are different bottling methods, but your kit will tell you how to do this. If you have made it this far without drinking yourself into a coma, you are better than us. Beer: It’s what’s for dinner.

Secret Tip: Pour the beer directly into your beer hat. We’re all about saving an extra step.


It’s best to let the beers sit at room temperature for a few days and then refrigerate. We’re not sure of the science behind this, not do we care, but follow the steps anyway. After cracking open a bottle, feel free to indulge, however, home beers are best when not completely finished. Yes, you heard us correctly. We’re not talking moderation — God, no — but home brew tends to get a little sediment at the bottom. And that stuff is like drinking feet. Leave an inch of beer in each of your bottles and avoid guzzling the swamp water on the bottom. Now you’re drinking like a champ.

Secret Tip: Feed the sediment to the neighbor kid.