Frick, man. First there was Michelle McGee, now there’s Melissa Smith. Jesse James is quickly becoming the new Tiger. And, while it’s no mystery why men that are extremely rich would want to have sex with tons of different, beautiful (most of the time) women, it is a mystery why people that successful wouldn’t be good at cheating. Many of the skills required for them to reach the levels they reached are requisite in good, discreet cheating, too. Fall not into the same fate as these lovelorn gadabouts. Follow these quick tips to keep your cheating under wraps. 

Don’t marry a celebrity

Dating a celebrity has a lot of perks. There’s money, tangential fame, more money, the fact that she’s probably a mega-fox, and also a ton more money. But, the one thing you give up is the same thing she gives up in exchange for that celebrity status: privacy. Not only can you not cheat, you can’t go to a strip club, you can’t come out of the house without being dressed to the 9s, and you can’t even go to the wrong restaurants. Basically, your relationship with a celebrity is both a love relationship and a financial commodity. There’s too much riding on it for her to put up with cheating in any way, shape, or form. 

Lay down some rules

If you’re cheating and you know it clap your hands make sure that your mistress knows it, too. If you’re cheating it’s either because your current relationship is already dead in the water or you are some kind of Victorian libertine that feels entitled to all of the seed sewing your (ahem) plow can manage. Either way, make sure that your lady-in-waiting is aware of the situation, and that she has not expectations outside of that. This is pretty hard to accomplish – most girls willing to be a mistress are either crazy, desperate, or desperately crazy. But some girls out there really do just want a hired gun. If you can find one of those, the hard part will be trying not to fall in love with her.

Watch your texting

First of all, password protect your phone. Every girl checks their guy’s phone. It’s a law of the universe. If your girl doesn’t check your phone, then either 1) she is existent in a parallel dimension at least some of the time or 2) she’s not a girl. The next more important thing you can do is download TigerText. It’s an iPhone application inspired by the stroke master himself. You designated a time period, say, a month. A month after you text a given number (your mistress’s), TigerText deletes the texts from both your phone and hers. She doesn’t have to have it installed, either, so you can’t

Vary your location

You know the adage about not pissing where you eat? It’s about not sleeping with your boss. So maybe the new adage is don’t keep peeing in the same place? Anyway, the point is, you and your regular lady need to be far-removed socially and geographically from your mistress. If possible, it’s best she doesn’t know where you live so that no mystery packages ever show up at your door with locks of her hair stained with tears appearing in them. 

Protect your digital self

For god’s sake don’t be Facebook friends with your mistress. Are you insane? If you’re friends with her already, unfriend her and explain to her the very obvious reasons why that is necessary. If something is precluding you from unfriending her (like she’s your lady’s sister), you are likely in violation of the above tenant “vary your location.” Get your head out of your ass. Now that you’re not friends with her, you need to set up your Facebook to be Failbook-proof. Get rid of your wall, and don’t let anybody see photos tagged of you. Your account should basically boil down to email with a profile picture. Do it in the name of professionalism – say you don’t want your boss finding pictures of you or whatever. Ideally, you won’t even have an account, but if you need it, pare it down. This is probably the second most important thing you can do as a cheater in 2010.

Cheat with a cheater

If you’re both holding guns to each other’s heads, it’s unlikely that either of you will fire prematurely (get it?!). You can call it mutually assured destruction, sexual deterrence,  penis rattling, or whatever you want, but the point is that it works. There are several advantages to this situation besides knowing that the other person won’t tell. Hanging out with a woman that is taken won’t be seen as a (very big) red flag by your regular gal. There’s less guilt involved because you don’t feel like you’re keeping your mistress hanging by a thread. This is probably the single best thing you can do as a successful cheater. 

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