You don’t have to always vomit on yourself as you stumble out of the pub. That’s what the wise janitor once told us. Who knew he cleaned our office and also the bar across the street that we frequent? Drinking is something billions of Earthlings enjoy on a daily basis — so says our unofficial census/opinion. The problem is, many people can’t seem to have a few drinks without demanding to sing karaoke or removing their under shorts with the aid of a butter knife. You certainly don’t want to be one of these dudes if you plan on ever having sex again with a decent female. So, commit these ideas to your hopefully now sober memory on how to be slightly dignified while getting your drink on. Good luck and Godspeed.
Be Out and About
Drinking an entire bottle of Frangelico by yourself in the basement of your Grandmother’s house may be the highlight of your life, but that probably isn’t the best way to get buzzed with at least a thread of dignity. We’re just saying. To drink with dignity, you need to get out in public and away from the marathon of “Quantum Leap” you have been watching since 9am. Steer away from the college bars, because God knows there is no dignity there — but there is a lot of fun there in case you don’t care about dignity (and there is nothing wrong with no dignity). Settle in at the bar and prepare for your night of guzzling. Mix up your selection of drinks and finish with beer. Lower alcohol content makes for a dude who knows what he’s doing.
Do: Hit an Irish pub. Those peeps know how to do it up.
Don’t: Saddle up at an Applebee’s bar.
Dress Your Age (But Not Like This Generation)
If you are approaching an age like 30-ish or 45 — or at least look like you are 45 — don’t stroll into your local watering hole sporting an Ed Hardy outfit. You can dress in jeans, or even a suit if you are pretending you are a stock broker or something, but make sure not to try and dress 15 years younger than you are. This may burst your ‘trying-to-be-younger’ bubble, but dressing appropriately will help you not appear like the douche you are.
Do: Wear socks. The sockless thing while wearing shoes went out with 1988.
Don’t: Wear anything with Van Dutch. It’s dumb and he was a crazy racist.
Order Something Cool
If you order a Scooby Snack, we want you to send us your address in the comment section so we and everyone else can come murder you. Seriously. Dudes have no business ordering things like Cosmos, White Zin, Washington Apples, and Lemon Drops. In fact, if you order a Lemon Drop, there is a good chance your bartender will dip an appendage in it. And we’re not talking about arm or leg type appendages. Drinks on the rocks — as long as they are not a liqueur — is a good start. Beers are usually fine, especially if you stay away from the lite beers. We don’t make the rules, we just repeat them.
Do: Order beer and a shot at the same time. It shows you mean business.
Don’t: Ever drink Chambord in anything. Ever.
Don’t Set the Pace
You’re not 19 anymore. Challenging John Doe, Accountant for Wal-Mart, to a toe-for-toe-shot-for-shot Patron contest may not be in your best interest. That’s a college freshman move and it was fun back in the day, yes. But those days are done. This is the real world where people don’t have drinking games in public places after they grow up (but, God, what a world that would be to live in). Make sure to drink at your own pace and never get to the sloppy point. Two drinks per hour is the limit for most people. One per hour if you are driving. So says the cops.
Don’t: Order tequila. It’s from the Devil.
Know Your Limit
If you are older than 15 and have to be told this fact, there is an ass-kicking in your future. Unfortunately, most God-fearing Americans don’t know there is a stop button on their mouth — which loves to drink lots of booze and do other naughty things. If you get buzzed after a stiff drink or a glass of vino, don’t go more than one more past that. It’s unbelievable how many people cannot grasp this concept (like us). And if you can down seven beers and not feel a thing, well, it might be time to see a professional.
Do: Be mindful of the clock. And any police checkpoints.
Don’t: Mix beer with…anything.
Tip Like a Baller
Tipping is a lost art in this crazy world. And by art, we mean common courtesy to your fellow man. Believe it or not, people around you notice how much you are tipping — [wink, wink, nod, nod] especially chicks. Of course, your bartender definitely will notice. And remember your face for next time for that whole aforementioned appendage thing. If you are a 15-percenter when you go out to eat at Outback, be a 25-percenter when you are bellying up to a bar. We should know. Not that we spend every day in a bar or anything. Don’t judge us.
Do: Tip more than your parents would.
Don’t: Ever tip in coins.
Have a Bitchin’ Story
You have to talk whilst drinking or else you are just ‘that creepy guy’ sipping Pinot Noir from a straw. You need to be able to engage those around you with something interesting and not stories about how difficult doing your laundry can be because you get confused by all the colors. You may be there for one drink or just to milk happy hour while taking in a game, but you will always have to move your mouth and have words come out. So says social interaction laws set forth by…other people who drink with dignity. Note: Thanks to our boss for this nugget of wisdom. Just kidding. Don’t fire us yet.
Do: Embellish. Because your life isn’t that interesting.
Don’t: Talk about your real life. It’s dumb.